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When I saw this article explaining how boys with nannies are likely to turn into womanizers, I said “Enough!”
Between that article, studies which explain why men are obsessed with boobs, and inventing the term “sex addict” to excuse for infidelity, I am sick and tired of wandering wing-wangs relying on Psychology back-up.
Screw your wing-wangs!
Oh wait, I think that part is already covered.
I suppose the next step is to retreat into the bosom of Feminism, and demand equal rights in the matter of defending female flaws.
Well…no. I’m actually free of shoe-obsessions, or shopping addictions (mostly), or taking twenty hours to get ready for the movies. I do however, have a gender-neutral background full of shame. Up until recently, my life-shame had a crippling effect. But after sharing my story with a team of top-notch shrinks?
I’m officially excused!
And so I give you, a Psychology-approved selected rundown of my flaws:
-I’m sarcastic to the point of meanness, because I spent my early childhood in barrels of acidic fruit
-I refuse to reciprocate friendliness in an elevator, since elevators are like boxes and a box is what I got for Christmas one year (just the box)
-I elbow strangers at the bustling Union Station, since my older brother used to elbow-drop me in the eighties, like it was non-stop Wrestlemania (misplaced revenge? Hell yes.)
-Though I’m nearly twenty-nine years old, a slap fight with my sister is not beyond the prospect of reality. This stems from a past of “high-fiving” our friends until it hurt (or in other words, positive turned to negative equals bitch-slap bonanza…)
-I sneeze like a man. This is definitely a flaw if you want to get a boyfriend, and I blame it on my father, who’s had me shovelling snow, mowing the lawn, and building ready-to-assemble furniture since 1996 (it’s classic “manwashing”…save me before it’s too late!)
Wow, I feel so much better now, and YOU can too! For a free psychological analysis, please contact the celebrated experts via email:
(and for those of you who don’t know me in-real-life: yes, I minored in Psychology…sigh)
I am NO crap-bag, thank you very much Ms. Romi. I was raised by a loving mommy who breast fed me. I think. It doesn’t explain the dreams of my granny chopping off my pecker with a French chef knife, or my childhood fear of a certain railroad bridge, but I SO don’t care. I wonder if Freud really asked “What does a woman want”? That question is pure horse shit. I don’t mean horse shit is the answer either, although I do know a lot of women who love horses. Go figure that one out. I’m happy to hear that you’re normal, other than the time in barrels of acidic fruit, and that you can shovel snow, assemble furniture and sneeze like a man. You will make some lucky person a fine mate!
Every time I think that you’ve left me the best comment ever, you come back and top it! Hahaha…hope that’s not too much pressure
I most definitely would like to know if there is a psychological base for my many, many, many, many, many flaws. and I love that email address. except in order for it to be completely accurate in my case it would have to be: email@example.com
hahaha, your email address kicked my email address’s ASS!!!
Preach girlfriend! As the author of a book with the words “bum magnet” in the title, when I saw Crap-Bag, you know I had to rush right over and see what was up over here. As usual, you crack me the heck up…and incidently have provided me with inspiration for the title of my next book…The Crap-Bag Magnet. Does that work for you??? LOL
LOL, I love that title for your next book, and if anyone would understand I knew it would be you!!
Leave my wing-wang out of this, damn it.
I was a history major. Would you like to try our new Angus burger? Okay, order whenever you’re ready.
LMAO….damn these conventions of society!..go to school because..that’s what people do. Hmm…
wing wangs….is that a technical term? I love a good slap fight!
I know, I am such a pro at slap-fights, I’d take your ass on any day!!!
You don’t even want to dip a toe into the ocean of what is wrong with me and why. I just consider it gravy. All the neurosis that I developed as a result of my family’s truly fucked up child-rearing theories…I can use that in my writing. Take that, Grandma! That disgusting onion-molasses-turpentine cough syrup…it’s going in a story.
hahahaha…thanks for stopping by Bryn, and if that’s some of the glorious content of your writing, I think the world needs to read it!
Wait! You lost me at boobs and wing wangs. Guys are guys regardless. Sure there is some variety but for the most part just get used to the fact that men will stare directly into your cleavage as they talk to you. Wing Wangs will wander and it’s because of the nature of things. Haha.
I gasped on two separate occasions as I read this!!! I’m gonna tell your wife you said this…LOL
Kidding…love you man! And I miss your writing FYI..
I think you may need more couch time. LOL
Can you imagine if I’d gone to therapy all these years vs. writing? I wonder if the outcome would’ve been better…same question to you, ’cause you’re NUTS! LOL…
Whenever someone talks to me in an elevator I “fake” answer my cellphone and talk really loud as if I am loosing reception. We may have had the same childhood.
that’s a good plan! And yes of course, the loud-talking, elevator-reception can be tricky!
OMG…are you the man version of me?!?!?! haha…no really, are you?
That is absolutely hilarious! And though I don’t dismiss Freud’s ideas, entirely, as many people do–the Freud doll is the funniest part! I can easily see Alanis Morrisette stomping that doll into the ground, then picking it up and tearing it apart, limb by limb!
No shoe shopping obsession, sarcasm? how in the hell don’t you have a man? You’d be asailed by every man within 100m where I am at…………you drink beer and watch sports too??? This is too good to be true.
I have never been to a shrink, I am afraid of the outcome more than anything.
DSM-IV would probably classify me a psychopath or something. Sigmund fraud can **** off. He seems like a strange inadequate little man.
My flaws to start:
Sarcastic, but I am at the level where people won’t punch me in the face.
Cold and somewhat dead inside.
I partake in the smoking or said herbals.
A deep hatred of people, thank whatever for women.
Wasting my intelligence and many more but I don’t consider misanthropy a flaw.