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It was a Friday night like any other, spent alone at my local zoo, scratching the chin of my favourite caged chimp Bobo. He stretched out one of his telescopic fingers to caress my cheek. Wrinkly to the touch and smelling of yesterday’s sewage (as opposed to the aromatic fresh stuff), I felt innocent love in his caress. But like any good moment of pleasure, I ruined it with uninvited brain waves.
I wondered how affectionate Bobo would be, if he wasn’t inside that cage. I wondered if Bobo knew that once upon a time, humans were chimp-like too. I wondered if Bobo realized that by a random act of Darwinism a long time ago, humans became all sexy and took over the earth, while he and his homies turned out gross and live in cages, just for our human amusement.
And then the most troubling thought: what if Bobo knows all of this? And what if he’s plotting his revenge?
I don’t know about you, but I like the view from up top. Evolution was amazing. It helped us grow out of our ape-face and shaggy-ape hair. And my god, just look at our cheekbones and bodacious bodies!
If the hotness progression wasn’t enough, we became really smart and assumed full control of the earth (then ruined it for the most part, but let’s not split hairs).
So we’re livin’ and lovin’ and destroyin’, but what if Bobo spills the beans to his simian peers?
They’re not that smart, but they ARE smart enough to band together. I’m sure one of them could steal the zookeeper’s keys, and if word spreads fast enough (even a monkey can figure out an iPhone), it could happen in every zoo around the world.
And then we’re finished.
Fugitive chimps burning houses, punching mailboxes, and tossing feces, until eventually WE’RE all locked in iron cages, with only last month’s issue of People magazine and a Mars bar. Meanwhile the chimps drive our cars and bed our women (I have a feeling the chimps would bed our women and enjoy it…we have a history together after all).
And you know what would happen with unfortunate chimp-to-human breeding?
The fall of the human race, and the Museum of Natural History come to life (minus the now insufferable Ben Stiller, who will never repeat his incredible performance in “Zoolander”).
I don’t know about you, but I’m not ready to give up the keys, so as long as we still have ‘em…let’s enjoy!
Enjoy sexy, enjoy evolved, enjoy human.
I think if…all of a sudden…they stop playing with, and even eating, their own poo, then we can go on alert. I’d relax for a while.
The poo tossing may just be a red herring…the work of an evil genius species.
And hey, while we’re celebrating not being chimpanzees, and the fortune our evolution has thrown our way, let’s all agree to stop doing things to slow down evolution on our own. Things like trusting magic instead of science. Things like forbidding science when it threatens magic. Who knows, one day we may be able to re-write chimpanzee DNA and create sexy talking chimps so our eventual cross breeding won’t be so disastrous and gross.
I am not opposed to a sexy chimp who offers to woo me in ways that are superior to the lesser mankind available to me at this time.
29 and all out of love.
Zoolander is one of the funniest movies ever made. And pretty much the only movie in which I found Ben Stiller funny. So… yeah… once again, Romi is a genius.
hahaha…I loved that you grabbed the importance of the Zoolander reference, Rach. You’ve passed my human intelligence test
Monkeys are creepy. I don’t like when they look at me.
what about the monkeys with the soft alluring brown eyes?
I LOVE those chimp movies where they parody human movies. Try to find the chimp version of Good Will Hunting. It’s a SCREAM. Or watch this hilarious bar scene.
As far as human sexiness and stuff, I imagine the chimps would be pretty turned off by human pornos. They’d probably wonder what the hell is taking the Hairless Ones so frikkin long to “do it”. And what’s with all the blah blah blah? How did these creatures ever manage to fill the earth with their kind?
But I’m totally on board with your warning. When the apocalypse hits and all the zoo critters get out, the chimps will be the most pissed off. I’ll be looking out for them. I have lots of guns, tasers, and dehydrated bananas on hand.
That is all.
hahaha…an epic comment, in true David style
LOVED that clip (“no, that’s just some ice cream!”…LOL), and having seen Good Will Hunting I”m sure I would find the parody hilarious
I enjoy this post a lot. I often think about how we have this evolutionary entitlement. We use other creatures for whatever we see fit. Silly trapped monkeys, tasty flame broiled cows or chinchilla ear muffs to make you toasty hot in those cold winter months. It does indeed feel good to be on top. I just wonder if once day there will be another beast that evolves further than the human race. We could possibly be decorated upon a holiday table with an apple shoved in our mouths. OH… and by the way I am still the victim of evolution. I still have that shaggy ape hair covering my body. WTF!?
Shaggy ape hair on your? I didn’t notice this!
And umm..”chinchilla ear muffs”….WTF AND NO! With these thoughts in your head should you be allowed near your chins?
“Enjoy sexy, enjoy evolved, enjoy human.”
I love this tag line. Now what can we do with it. We need to make it into some sort of brand so we can “monetize” it (I learned that word from Cutrone).
hahaha…you are learning so much from “mama wolf”, yes monetize, I remember that!
And what product can we attach to that slogan? I’m still thinking on it..
Romi, you kill me!
David, you aren’t remembering the Italians! We are a hairy, hairy breed, and if you’ve seen one in it’s native fur, you’d be worried, because I know some ape would recognize, then rape one of my people.
I dittoa Vodka on the tag line. Hello Vodka!
OMG…I sure hope the chimps would not do that to the Italians, but if that’s the case the Indians would be recognizable to them as well!