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Justin Bieber was always unsure of his success. His own worst critic, he tried out different gender-bending octaves, he tried out different angles for his wisps of hair, but nothing could settle his child-sized stomach, the prepubescent stress of never being enough.
Then one day it all changed, when a (probably creepy) marketing guru decided there should be a Bieber doll.
Mr. Bieber was heavily involved in the process. He inspected every ridge of plastic hair on the prototype, then every button and bobble on the rusted machines, not wanting the Taiwanese factory kids to screw it up. Once the eight-year-old foreman and his crew had jumped through each of Bieber’s hoops, the switch flipped on and the ejaculate of plastic Bieber was in flight. Thousands upon thousands of dolls in his honour, to light up children’s eyes and fill their poor-taste hearts by Christmas 2010.
So Bieber made it, but what ever happened to me?
There is no Mattel doll of an office girl drinking Starbucks and trying to stab herself in the eye when Microsoft Excel randomly freezes. A solemn reminder that I never reached my dream of epic status.
But…I didn’t always feel this way. When I was growing up celebrity dolls made me happy, even joyous. An army of New Kids on the Block to be my twelve-inch boyfriends, a Rick Astley replica who would never ever give me up (it was actually a Ken doll but close enough), and what about my older brother’s Han Solo action figure? That shiny plastic toy was the birth of what is now my most important “old man crush.”
But like with everything else, wide-eyed youth turned into bloodshot pools of adulthood. Each celebrity doll, each action figure likeness of Christian Bale is a comparative measure, reminding me there will never be toys of us regular folk.
And so…how could we possibly be grateful that there isn’t a plastic “us”?
Enter my epiphany.
Continuing on with Justin Bieber as my case study, the doll will be a jacked-up likeness of the man-boy. But the man-boy has to grow. In fact with each passing minute Justin Bieber gets closer to death. Meanwhile his doll smiles on, its feathered hair immune to the troubles of dandruff and grease.
Even all those girls with Bieber-fever will notice. They’ll burst through security and hold up the doll to his face, only to find that there’s spinach in the real Bieber’s teeth. Plus heavily caked on make-up. Plus a pimple you can see through the heavily caked on make-up. Then of course, years later when the surplus dolls resurface as donations for African children, Bieber will have a run-in (during his Tanzanian trip of self-discovery). This time the comparison will destroy him. His Bieber beer gut, crusted lips, sad-man eyes and receding hair, right beside the perfect plastic manboy.
If I were Justin Bieber I would shoot myself in the face. If I was any celebrity with a perfect plastic version of me, a face shot…to the face.
Instead I can just be me, and no matter how I age or grossify with time, who will even know how shitty I look, when there’s no plastic miniature to point out my obvious decline?
Here’s to finally appreciating life below the radar…
Yeah, I don’t want there to be a Maren doll. And if there had to be ONE, I’d totally give it to you. Just fyi.
This was great, Romi!! I still have my Joe doll and every so often I find it while looking for something. It takes me right back to the days when I was gonig to marry him, despite being 13 years old! Ang
Hahaha…I was Jordan Knight all the way but then he was on a reality TV and also tried having music again. Yuck.
I want the YOU doll and I want it now Maren.
Romi, this is a true story:
I made a bobble-head of my mom for mother’s day a year ago – you can actually get them custom made. It’s hi-larious looking.
Anyhow, the problem is that when you go through all the checkout process, apparently there’s a button you have to “DE-CLICK” if you don’t want your bobble-head mass produced (they’ll make 100. I guess it’s cheaper to make 100 of the bobble-heads you order; then they ship them to . . . INDIA!!! So, long story short, my mom’s bobble-head is on sale in India.
I kind of want a bobble-head of myself now.
Have you seen any Cutrone sightings?? Apparently they didn’t pick up “The City” for another season, so where am I gonna get my Cutrone fix?
Dude, apparently Cutrone has a new show in development so keep your eye out. Oh and by the way she is currently working on her sequel due out in May entitled “Normal Gets You Nowhere.” If that statement is true, then you and I are on the right track, eh?
PS: next time I go to India I am picking up the bobble of your mom, yeah!
Cutrone!!! Thank God we’ll see her again. I need more Cutrone.
I was going to say, before I read Vodka’s comment, that there’s probably some internet company you can pay to create a doll of yourself or any of your equally below-the-radar friends and family. I’m glad to learn I was correct. And should you ever decide to create a Romi doll, please, Please, PLEASE make sure it can talk, because I can only imagine which of your hilarious quips you would decide to record for all of prosperity to enjoy (at least until the voice box gives out).
A VOICE doll, of ME? That is probably the most dangerous prospect to planet Earth since the notion that an asteroid will collide with us some day.
Is my comment sufficiently humorous enough not to offend anyone this time?
i so know what to get myself for my bday…a bobblehead of myself…yes, of course its self indulgent…but thats what bdays are all about…vodka – where can i find this site?
have you had any luck in manufacturing a Bobble-Burg?
A doll of myself? Scary, but hmmm….
let’s all get self-dolls! This is going to be fun..
Thankfully we live below the radar! I would never want a doll like me; it would be a train wreck. But I do wish they would make a doll of you then I’d take you on all my bad decision adventures…..so in real life I’d be a guy walking around with a doll….creeeeeeppppyyyyy! How are you doing girl? I hope things are well. I’ve missed you
hahaha…you would be such a weirdo-creep with a judging Indian doll on your shoulder! Can we make a sitcom like that?
PS: I’ve missed you too, where the hell have you been? I’m still being crazy and such, pretty standard, hope you are well!
I’m going to stop production in my factory right now. I guess you are off the X-mas list this year. I spent my entire budget on these damn dolls of me. What am I supposed to do now? I mean they even come with my array of different outfits and a POWER BONER! Oh well, I guess I can drop em off at the elementary school. I’ll go throw the boxes in my conversion van!
hahahahahaha…do you have to pull lever a to activate the Justin power boner? Hahahaha…I love that your name is Justin
Gosh, I would buy a Romi doll in a heartbeat. Then I could play with her and my Justin doll I’m getting myself for Chanukah. I would probably take off all their clothes, cuz I have a dirty mind sometimes … of course I would drink lots of vodka first. JUST KIDDING! I don’t even celebrate Chanukah.
Sorry I missed this post. I wonder why Excel freezes on you, and how stabbing yourself in the eye could help. I usually press F1 for help or Google “Excel freezes randomly”. Then I take the bottle of vodka out of the bottom left drawer …
FYI; I had a joey lawrence doll. he now looks nothing like the doll. you know, now he’s bald- his eyebrows look better than mine do today. sad but true.
anywho, i’m sure he looks like the doll now and weeps at his long flowing hair that he once had.
Is there a god?
Things like this make me wonder.