Things You Can’t Say: I Hate “Movember”
November 14, 2011
It’s only halfway through November and with each passing day, men’s moustaches grow creepier and thicker, as they raise important funds for prostate cancer research. Along the way I see more and more Facebook statuses of downtrodden girls, those who avoid men in bars or avoid their own boyfriends, due to the bristly epidemic.
Therefore I must speak out:
-MOVEMBER SUCKS!
Before I get punched in the face, let it be known that cancer sucks too, and it’s great that men are banding together to raise awareness and funds for prostate cancer research.
But why effing moustaches? It’s not like moustaches grow on prostates, so what’s the connection?
Is it to support men’s health? Because a man in his natural manly and testosterone zenith, is capable of moustache thickness? And shaving it is unnatural?
Well that’s great for YOU, but what about womankind? Is it fair that for one month a year, we don’t have guys to flirt with at the bar, because we’ll never really know which one’s a pedophile and which one’s a supporter of “Movember”? Why are you robbing us of meeting “Mr. Right” for one month a year? What if women did that to YOU during October in breast cancer awareness month? What if we made ourselves so “natural” with extra hair and sagging boobs that you couldn’t stand to look at us let alone romance us during those brisk October nights? And say goodbye to slutty kitten costumes on October 31st, there would be none of that if we all played it “natural” like you.
Instead we women embark on 5K or 10K runs to support our cause. In fact, almost all major causes raise ass-loads of
money by having running events, yet the “man cause,” which is led by the gender that loves video games and armchair athletics, conveniently lacks a cardio portion.
Hmm.
So dear men: please stop being lazy, and please start working on your bodies instead of embodying “pedophile fashion 101.” Because if you don’t, we women won’t stop at complaining about your faces on our Facebook statuses. We will rebel, by watching more moustache-less romantic comedies than ever before, by eating more chocolate than ever before, by gaining more weight than ever before…
Oh wait.
Fuck.
Whatever.
Well even if I hate your methods, I support the cause, and you can too by supporting your male pals who are becoming more disgusting by the day. Sigh.
I don’t think I’ve heard a more reasoned request all day. Well, maybe with one exception. This morning my buck (goat) asked if he could dispense with all the butt-sniffing stuff and just mount up and get on with it. I asked him why? And he said it was because the smell was beginning to make him sick.
“I thought you needed that to trigger your mounting urge,” I said.
“Are you kidding? The only reason we do that is to check out their plumbing. But since I know they’re all does out there, why bother?”
It was a persuasive argument, so I agreed and let him have his way. But now the does won’t let him mount at all. As soon as he tries they just turn quickly and run away.
And why? Well, probably because he’s now attempting to ‘do it’ to them from the front instead of the back.
Which leads me to believe that sometimes there’s more to an issue than first meets the eye…
The goat tale is one for the books, thanks for sharing
Here in good ole North Carolina, we call this hairiest of months Novembeard or No-Shave-November. And one terrifying month when I was in college it was Octobeard. And they don’t just stop at mustaches. They don’t shave their faces at all. Not that it affects my flirting/picking up skills anyways (as I have none) but it does make me turn affectionately to my lady bic and promise my undying love in return for smooth, smooth legs!
Octobeard sounds horrifying.
That is all.
Shaving sux. Cancer sux more. Prostate and otherwise.
However, I’d heard that Movember had something to do with men’s health and what-not. So … I’m just gonna keep eatin more punkin seeds.
Can you make me some roasted punkin seeds? Or did I miss the season altogether?
I need to blog more.
Every time I start to whine (in my head of course…) about shaving my legs etc. I think about how much it would suck to have to shave my face instead–how I couldn’t even hide it on an off day except if I wanted to risk being taken for a bank robber instead of a pedophile/ dirty bum.
Not seeing too many mustaches where I am… there aren’t ever many mustaches in China. I don’t think Movember would go over to well here. But I am NOT complaining!
You’re right, I don’t associate big pedo moustaches with China, haha…you’re lucky! And I’m lucky too because Movember is OVER!!!
Thank you for this! My sweet-faced man has gone from dreamy to squeamy in 21 days. Actually, the pedobear, bad cop factor kicked in at about day 12. It’s huge. And it prickles. I have patches of raw skin. And it’s two tone. Ginger and cream. BUT I CAN’T SAY ANYTHING! It’s so unfair. Every time I bring it up, he comes back with: but what about the nut sacks and butt cracks? You love the nut sacks, right?
Dammit.
HAHAHAHA.
Also: yikes to two-toned facial hair!!
Ahahah, this is great. And got me thinking: why do these men expect ME to pay for the privilege of having to see these unsightly things all month AND hear them proudly babble on about it non-stop.
The moustache-grower should be the one forking out all the cash in exchange for the self-involved torture they’ve forced upon the rest of the world.
The only thing worse than having to listen to your obnoxious co-worker incessantly discuss his new grooming habits, is him then expecting you to doll out $100 at the end of the month. No. You pay for my suffering.
Oh my gosh. EVERY day I had to listen to the moustache developments of the guy sitting next to me at work. You’re right, THEY should have to pay for the privilege *shudder*
I grew a mustache too for Movember.
It was HOT.
I sincerely hope the members of my gender responsible for all this craziness listen to you, young lady. But seriously, what are the odds?
The odds are slim to none, sadly.
I agree: it’s a fantastic cause, but the moustache is a terrible look. I’d rather donate than add to the gaggle of porn star lookalikes walking around the city by not shaving.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to get some more Doritos.
I love Doritos!
(Jalepeno & Cheddar…Cool Ranch is pretty good too…let’s not forget original nacho cheese!! )