The Beginning of the End: “Grapple”

It was mostly curiosity when I first read the package tagline: “Crunches like an apple. Tastes like a grape.”

(umm…excuse me?)

But as I continued along the produce aisle, searching for a classic kind of fruit, my feelings quickly heightened to fear.

I don’t have a problem with naturally-occurring fusions (donkey + horse=mule, me + cupcakes=happiness coma), but when the crazy science folks start to mix up fruity notions, I sense the beginnings of evil.

And by the way, who are scientists to decide that a grape needs to help out an apple? A grape doesn’t need to be crunchy, and an apple tastes great in its original apple essence.

Subjectivity aside, you know where my next thought will lead:

-What if they start doing this to humans?

Like maybe the government will round up a bunch of scientists, and start to make a list of their desired human fusions. Doesn’t sound scary yet, but what if they decide to use it on me? “Hey scientist guy, see that blonde hottie over there? Her personality blows, so let’s give her Romi’s and see what comes out.” (and yes of course I’d be selected on these grounds, thank you very much)

So fine, blondie gets a giant chunk of my brain, but what the hell happens to me? Or look at the picture again: what the hell happened to the grape that was used to make “Grapple”? Well I’m pretty sure that “Grapple” still looks like an apple, so yes, you guessed it,  the grape is DEAD.

So it starts with an apple and a grape, and it ends with my carcass in a science lab.

(beware of men in white coats…)

Are You a Moron? The Internet Can Help…

Just when I thought the Internet couldn’t possibly be more useful, it’s now lending help to our conversation skills. And not the sort of skills you can develop through an actual personality, but the superficial stuff of discussing all things Hollywood. This glitter-rich topic will help you land some real-life (wait for it)…acquaintances!

You may not even be aiming for acquaintance-development. Maybe you’re one of those people who likes to break the ice on an elevator ride. And who wouldn’t love a person like you? I mean here I was just hoping to get from one floor to the next, but now you’ve shared your thoughts on the “Tiger Woods entourage of whores”. With a starter like that I’ll open my mouth to reply, and maybe even smile at you too!

And there you have it, a human connection borne from headlines.

This offering by Yahoo! will also help people switch to zombie-mode in meaningful relationships. Like maybe before you would’ve tapped into your wit or expressed some real emotion, but now your brain can rest while the TMZish spewage does the work.

The thing that excites me most, is where this Yahoo! assisted-education could lead. I am currently envisioning a tutorial on how to tie my shoes (like when was the last time I wasn’t intimidated by laces?).  I could also use some help in learning how to quickly count my change, for the everyday but high-stress purchasing experience.

And the life-saving lesson I could really use the most?

-Dear Yahoo!: you know when that “Hot Surface” stove light turns on? I’m not really sure what to do there, you know, “touch or don’t touch” wise…

It Was a Dream So It’s Okay

The limbic system is a cocky bastard.

That section of the brain is the most important factor in the dreaming process (I know this because Google doesn’t lie). Dreams are the biggest free pass when it comes to insanity. Your dreams can include exponentially crazy things, but because it was  a dream you either don’t remember, hardly remember, or shake it off by mid-afternoon. The limbic system can do no wrong.

But what if God, or the sky, or the human-making-factory switched it up? What if your dreams are normal, whilst your everyday, ‘when-you’re-supposed to-be-listening’ musings are incredibly off?

That’s me, every freakin’ minute of the day.

Oh sure, I can put on an act and contribute to society. In fact I’m relatively normal in phone calls, at the office, and in mind-numbing chit-chat with neighbours. But the buzzing in my brain never stops: like the pro’s and cons of having curled-over nails (PRO: lock-picking abilities, CON: inability to give out massages, or PRO: an excuse to never give out massages), whether or not there would be war if unicorns existed, and if Jell-O is in fact made of people…these are the thoughts that keep my cerebrum going.

Meanwhile, I wake up from my sleep with pillow held tight, reflecting back on dreams involving tax returns, the flu, and taking out the garbage a minute too late.

Like excuse me limbic system, that’s the best you’ve got?

Because of this topsy-turvy circumstance, I’m a little afraid that I’ll one day fail a psych test, and wind up in a mental hospital for life. This fear was strengthened by watching SHUTTER ISLAND last night. It wasn’t the prospect of lobotomies that scared me, but the crazies in the movies had their ankles shackled up, whilst carrying on with light-to-moderate gardening.

But what if I don’t want to water the geraniums or rake the grass? Like they can’t just force me to garden because I’m legally insane, that’s madness!

So screw you, psych ward, I’ll stay safe in my new blog and let the crazies run free…