Grateful Moment #1: You Aren’t What You Eat!

Spend enough time with elitist healthy folk, and you’ll eventually hear: “You are what you eat!“

Okay fine, I’m being judged on eating a cheesecake that’s meant to serve a family of eight, but I don’t actually look like a cheesecake so all is well.

Unless…I wake up one morning, and CNN says that from now on humankind will actually be what it eats.

What would I do differently?

This has nothing to do with being healthy, and everything to do with looking hot.

For me the scenario is hopeless. There is no “hot” food in the world.

I’m sure the girls would quickly say how they’d love to be a carrot or a string bean because it’s thin, but would you? Really?

A string bean would make you skinny, but that doesn’t mean you’d be a skinny girl with boobs. String beans DO NOT have boobs. AT ALL. Even if you wanted to be a peach because it looks like a curvy butt, well what then? You’re just a walking fuzzy butt. Have fun with that.

With no hope of looking hot, I might consider being a chocolate bar, for no other reason than to take juicy bites of myself.

But body parts are not re-generating, so once I make a meal of my chocolately arm, I’ll be a one-armed chocolate feast. Then I’ll feel sad, and what do women do when they get sad? Eat chocolate! Pretty soon I’ll be a chocolate face and nothing more, ’cause you can eat all the rest but you can’t actually eat your own face (try it, you’ll fail).

And so, there is no happy ending to “you are what you eat”, which makes me so grateful that there isn’t a beginning.

I hope your current life feels less wretched now, at the low, low cost of zero dollars.

You’re welcome!

What I Hate About Chocolate…

“But whatever do you mean, dear Romi? Chocolate is the most heavenly food on earth!”

First of all, thank you for referring to me as “Dear Romi”, that’s how I’d like to be addressed in all conversations henceforth.

And I know, I know, everyone loves chocolate…mixed with EVERYTHING.

Well that’s what pisses me off. Chocolate can do no wrong (except when it’s in a Big Turk—what sicko came up with that one?), especially when it’s getting bedazzled with other ingredients.

In chocolate bars for example, interaction with peanuts, caramel, wafers,  and nougat is heavily encouraged (many times all at once).  Add that to your  “chocolate bar versions” of cakes, cheesecakes, and ice cream flavours, and it’s clear that in the realm of chocolate,  “more is sexy-ass more.”

But if chocolate gets to be the most with the most, why can’t women do it too?

(you knew this post was going somewhere very important…well here we are.)

I’m talking about makeup, hairstyles and accessories.  One of the truths about becoming an older woman (did I just say that out loud?), is that you start to discover how you can’t “get away with” everything. Even when you’re younger, being a beautiful girl has a lot to do with “less is more.” The cosmetic industry itself makes its efforts to adapt, with “natural-looking” mascara, earth-tone eye shadows, and nude-coloured lip-gloss (which by the way, seems sluttier to me. Like hello, you’re walking around town with natural-coloured but super-shiny lippies. How did they even get so shiny? Like what have you been up to today?…). As far as hairstyles and jewelry goes, the craziest options are always available, but society calmly advises you not to mix ‘n mingle.

For example: big-hoop earrings? Fine. But maybe you should go easy on the volumized hair. Luscious red lips? Okay. But only if you skip on the dollops of silver eyeshadow, ’cause mama didn’t raise no whore.

And there it is. The line you can’t cross, for fear of being labeled a lady of the night. I don’t understand this. I mean if I can find an amazing mascara that can make all my lashes look bangable (who says you can’t bang an eyelash? Maybe you just need to be more creative), a lip-gloss that provides a fierce amount of colour, eyeshadow that sparkles all night long, and hairspray that provides enough volume to touch the ceiling…isn’t that a win-win-win-win?

No,  you tart, it’s a four-way loss and a one-way ticket to Tramp-Town.

I suppose if I got naked and  lathered myself in nougat, peanuts and wafers I’d be the toast of the town. But then again my name isn’t ‘Ho Henry…or Tit Kat.

By the way, has anyone ever given chocolate an A.I.D.S. test? I’m just saying, it gets around…

World’s Biggest Burger: Triumph or Travesty?

Several days ago, I witnessed the creation of the world’s biggest burger, by renowned chef and author Ted Reader.

Like everyone in the crowd, I was fascinated by the spectacle, smiling and cheering at the lettuce distribution.

After the event concluded, I realized that despite feasting my eyes on a colossal barbecue favourite, I didn’t have an appetite at all.

How odd.

A subway ride and some contemplating later, I discovered that my absence of hunger was a symptom, of a much more serious issue:

-Shame

I mean it’s all well and good to build a giant burger, break a world record, and auction it to charity…but is it really a victimless endeavour?

What about giants?

I’m not referring to regular people enlarged by eating too much McDonald’s; I mean actual, official, can’t-fit-through-doorways giants.

If you don’t think they exist, then watch Big Fish; not only was there a giant playing a giant in that film (may he rest in peace), but he lived in a cave, which is obviously how real giants live (unless you think a jobless giant can afford a vaulted-ceiling apartment).

Back to the burgers; while we laughed, pointed and cheered at the progression of additional layers, did we ever stop to think of any giants who were watching on TV? Or who follow me on Twitter as I shamelessly tweeted the event? The very same giants who when craving a delicious burger on a hot summer’s day, don’t even have any options!

I mean let’s face it: go to drive-thru at McDonald’s when they can’t even fit in a car? Grill ten cows at at time on barbecue, when there are NO giant barbecues available for consumer purchase? (at least not at Canadian Tire…)

And what even happened to the world’s biggest burger? Auctioned off I suppose, to be sliced up and shared amongst a couple hundred regular-sized humans. All the while, nature’s giants sit and wait, for a succulent disc-shaped meal that will never come.

And you wonder why giants eat humans?

All I’m saying is…if my final demise comes at the hands (and mouth…and teeth) of a giant, I’ll understand.

(But since I posted this and feel really guilty, please don’t eat me. Thanks.)