Confessions of a Chick in Paris

Confessions of a Chick in Paris

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February 19, 2009 , , , , , , ,

meangirlscartoonThere are gross things, and there are traumatic things.

These things can exist independently, or in tandem.  I wouldn’t wish the “tandem” thing upon anyone, but you know…sometimes it happens.

1990 and we packed up our lives…time to move again.  The time zone didn’t change and the town was still the same, but my one or two friends felt a world away…

…It was never easy to start things over at brand new school (like the last the time, for example), and starting fourth grade was no exception.  Kids in fourth grade were a little more saavy and a little more jerk-faced, as their grown-up selves were starting to formulate.  And it was only 1990 remember?  This meant that the idea of an Indian kid came attached with the suspicion that I breathed out spicy Indian flames.  Well that I couldn’t do, but I was equipped with something utterly surprising; a tin sandwich box, with the Taj Mahal engraved on one side, and an elephant on the other.  It was an item that my parents had procured on their latest visit to India. 

It was going be a lonely year.

Or so I thought…

…Her hair was blonde, along with mesmerizing eyes of icy blue.  She wasn’t all that pretty to look at, but when you’ve got yourself a mane of golden hair and sparkly eyes, your face can stand to be a little “off”.

This girl even had a posse, and suddenly I was a part of it.  It was strange that there wasn’t any hazing involved, but I wasn’t going to question a miracle.

So for several weeks I absorbed the blinding popularity.  Then one day…the girls let me in on a different part of their world:

-They were bitches, and they terrorized other girls just for fun

I watched the ring leader (blondie-bitch-face) spit in her own chocolate pudding, only to offer it up to a quiet girl.   The quiet girl trembled with excitement, all the while sucking down the pudding.  Blondie-bitch-face cackled.

On another day it was a birthday occasion, the birthday of the shyest girl in class.  Blondie-bitch-face dragged us over to the shy girl’s desk.  After wishing her a happy birthday, blondie-bitch-face poured a glass of milk right on top of the the shy girl’s sandwich.  Then she told me to stick a plastic fork in the sandwich.  So I did.

We were then instructed to sing “Happy Birthday” to the girl.  So we did.  As a final command, she instructed the shy girl to eat the milk-soaked sandwich.  And so, on her birthday, the shy girl ate up her dripping sandwich, one (sob-filled) bite at a time.

That was probably the moment when I knew that I had entered the “dark side”.  I may not have been an official villain, but I was definitely an enabler.

Eventually blondie-bitch-face was getting weary; she wanted me to play a bigger role in her daily wrath.  I had been a lot of things, but I couldn’t see myself as an actual torturer-in-training.  So I slowly recoiled from the devilish activities, though I knew that it would mean a popularity drop…and maybe even vengeance on the blondie’s  part.

Surprisingly I didn’t get my ass kicked.  I just spent a lot more time reading books.

I was actually enjoying my newfound lonely self, especially on one rainy afternoon in April, as I blazed through the latest math.  That’s when blondie-bitch-face whispered my name.

She was sitting beside me, and I simply assumed that she wanted to copy my work.

Fair enough, so I turned in her direction to find out for sure.

And that’s when she stuffed it in my mouth.

It was a taste I had never known.

I spit out the foreign object, and watched as it bounced along the desk.  When it finally came to a halt, I saw what had actually been in my mouth.

Hamster poo.

Suddenly the room was hazy; my mind was aglow with images of mouthwash and machetes (mouthwash for the obvious reason, and a machete if I couldn’t find the mouthwash, leaving me to hatchet off my tongue).

The rest of the experience…well I don’t really know what happened (this is where the trauma kicks in).  There’s a smudged out section of my memory, which keeps me from remembering the after-math.  I’m pretty sure I told the teacher, but I just can’t remember what the punishment was.  I also don’t remember what became of our daily contact.  I know I didn’t kill her, since she moved by the end of the year, but who really knows about those last six months of seeing her bitchy face…

…If there’s a lesson in this, it’s that I don’t feel sorry for myself.  I’m a grown-up now, and I fully understand the concept of the “golden rule”.  I was a part of the evil for a good long time, before I ever smartened up.  But did I once go back to apologize to blondie’s victims?  No I did not.

It would’ve been nice to have learned a more subtle lesson on the “golden rule”, but hamster poop it was.

In the end, I’m glad that I remember the poop…it’s a story I will use to shell-shock my future kids, so they don’t turn into munchkin-assholes…


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Why is the sociopath always the popular girl? Either a sociopath, or a human with sawdust for brains.


February 19, 2009

PS sorry that happened to you. Just think about how she touched the hamster poo. Then did her eye makeup and got conjunctivitis.


February 19, 2009

the suspicion that you breathed spicy Indian flames…lmao. Elementary school is hardcore,i remember a girl spit dead-on in my eyeball bc she was mad i wouldnt give her my charizard pokemon card. All kids(people for that matter) are evil at one point in their lives.


February 19, 2009

I hate bitches like that … I think you old bitch friend is my co-worker … she’s blonde, blue eyed, and an evl 50 year old lady!!!! Sigh. so sorry you had to go through that.


February 19, 2009

Egads, my sister conducted training classes in how to be a psycho bitch? I should have known.

She dipped a tampon in cochineal and placed it on the seat of an unsuspecting girl in assembly. Vicious and much embarrassment.


February 19, 2009

eww .. we have hamsters and their poo doesn’t look a bit appetizing.
what woulda been sooooooo cool . . is when she shoved the poo in your mouth, you would have vomited on the floor in front of her .. and then took the bitch down in your vomit .. and you made her eat it .. after of course, you two wrestle in it for a minute or so. extra spicy chunks woulda made it even better. so, umm, did that happen?
i’m glad you’re not a mean girl anymore. mean girl doesn’t equal romiliiiiiiita. no way, jose.


February 19, 2009

Bitchy people suck – and there’s always one with a bunch of her unimaginative boot-licking little “Heathers” carrying out her orders.

I always tried to stay under the radar with those nasty girls – my sister took the more direct approach and got in a bathroom brawl with three of them. It took three teachers to pull her off the ringleader.

She was in Grade 4 at the time. 😀


February 19, 2009

That’s terrible! At such a young age too!!! 4th grade and this little girl was doing these things? My gawd. This is horrific! I’m sorry this happened to you Romi! I wonder why she was such a miserable bitch? Makes ya wonder what went on at her home?


February 19, 2009

Holy crap! This is the kind of thing that should be remembered when stupid people sigh wistfully about their childhood.


Taoist Biker

February 19, 2009

Wow, ham-ham poo for Romrom! Glad I went to a private Catholic school, where nothing like that would ever happen… 😛


February 19, 2009

I’ll never look at hamster poo the same way again…..


February 19, 2009

I need to know if this was a private or public school! Romi you should have tripped her down the steps or better yet forms an alliance with the others bitchy had wronged and taken a vow of vengence! Kinda like the A-Team. The hamster poo experience sounds awful 😦


February 19, 2009

I guess you don’t have a pet hamster, huh? It would have scarred me for sure.


February 19, 2009

lmao, my favorite comment is by glasswater, it makes me wonder how you viewed hamster poo before reading this, i never held a fondess for it..but maybe ones outlook could be ruined after this tragic story.


February 19, 2009

I have a hard-n-fast rule: Anything crammed into my mouth suddenly and unexpectedly gets IMMEDIATELY and FORCEFULLY spit back into the face of the offending party. Hopefully that way, some of the substance will go into their cackling mouth, along with a dose of my spit.
Feel free to use this tactic, should the need ever arise again 😀

B Smith

February 20, 2009

I absolutely hate bullies! Too bad you didn’t make her eat vomit like Red suggested. Or done something equally as repulsive.


February 20, 2009

I was called condom for years in elementary. Drove me insane it did. Also I was ridiculed one time for eating a tootsie roll (soooo delicious) and everyone said I was eating poop. Still don’t know how they could mistake one for the other.


February 20, 2009

PS- Just read B Smith’s comment and I have a dirty dirty mind. Made me laugh out loud though.


February 20, 2009

Romi, I hope that that taught you to stop being a mouth breather. Turning around and having poo shoved in my mouth would definitely teach me to utilize the ol’ nostrils.
Seriously though, I hope you beat bitch face to a pulp.


February 21, 2009

Well, I’m guessing that hamster-poo-eating is a rite of passage everyone must endure, at point or another: hear me out, “hamster-poo-eating” could be the concept in which karma bites you in the ass, but you learn something from it, and you grow into a better person. I had my share of “hamster-poo-eating” minus the real hamster poo 😉


February 22, 2009

What a sick kid that blonde was. It takes some evil plotting to carry around hamster poo with you for a prank like that. I’m glad you aren’t a mean girl anymore. So many of them just never grow up and are only surrounded by people who are afraid of pissing them off so they won’t be targets themselves.


February 22, 2009

Wow, how did you get right into the posse? I was always the class clown, so I got to avoid drama for the most part. That is until my jokes were aimed at people that were bigger than me or who were look to be provoked in order to fight someone. I got into a lot of fights. Anyway, I never had a clique or a posse. Must have been cool for about 2 minutes. Good thing you got out when you did. Wonder what blondie bitch face is up to these days…25-life?


February 22, 2009

You poor thing!


February 23, 2009

Look, here’s how I see it. I was not popular, AT ALL. I had more than my fair share of being picked on. It sucked. But there were always times when I had people I just didn’t like and I was the one doing the picking. Am I sorry for being unnecessarily mean to people I didn’t like? Fuck no, I am glad, in fact I probably should have mean to more people. And by the same token, boo hoo for me that some of my childhood was spent as an outcast. Fuck it. It all prepared me for real life as an adult when the biggest assholes in the world become politicians, middle management, and cops, and they still pick on normal people, and there still isn’t a thing you can do about it to their face. but all that pent up anger can twist you into a severely mean person inside, lime myself, and you can use that anger to commit highly illegal forms of vengeance behind their back. In essence, nice people never get used as the double edged sword of justice in this world, but fucked up assholes like me have no problem burning down the police station, or writing obscenities on the lawn of the capitol building.


February 23, 2009

Darn! I was hoping for a really great ending. Something like, “…it’s all good though, because Lindsay Lohan’s career is in the toilet now!”

That would have rocked!

But seriously, I thought this kinda crap only went on in the movies. Guys…at least we just beat the crap outta each other and then go have a beer! Sheesh!


February 23, 2009

At least there is some consolation in the fact that your blonde bitch had to touch the hamster poo herself in order to get it into your mouth. Perhaps she had her assistant bitches gather it for her, but let’s suppose not. So there’s further consolation in the picture of just how low these desperados sink in order to feed their starved souls. Almost makes you want to cry, don’t it?


February 24, 2009

ummmmmheyyyyyy: thanks for the visit, and she definitely had sawdust for brains, which is why she copied my math homework!!

PS: and it’s so funny you mentioned the eye-shadow thing, ’cause she was one of the few nine-year-olds who stole her mother’s make-up and tested it out from time to time, haha 😉

Shweta: AHHH…spit right into your eyeball!?!? Spit can be like a weapon based on the disease-potential, glad you made it out of that alright!

thegirlfromtheghetto: haha…maybe it’s your co-worker if she wasn’t 50, ’cause erm…that would make me fifty too! 😉

Anja: holy hell, looks like she wrote the book on mean embarrassing torture! 😉

Red: okay, that whole vomit-scenario almost made me vomit, hahaha….can you imagine smearing her face in my chunkk? Haha…why does that sound so weird? 😉 …and not that didn’t happen, haha…(or maybe it did, ’cause I really don’t remember 😉 )

rambleicious: OMG, The Heathers!!! Was that the one where one of them died after drinking fabric softener!??!?!

PS: I wish your sister would’ve been around in my class 😉

JavaQueen: I’m not sure what went on at her home, but I saw her at the mall once with her mom, and her mom had just bought her these ugly fish earrings she wanted…I don’t know how that’s relevant, hahaha… 😉

Taoist Biker: haha, but I had some good memories from my childhood, like the time I got to eat a whole funnel cake at the theme park 😉

omegaradium: yeah, and aren’t the girls in catholic schools kind of “loose”? (or maybe I’m wrong…), that would’ve been a good thing for ya too eh? 😉

glassowater: I suggest that you just stop looking at hamster poo period, haha 😉

sammy25: oh my gosh, I would have loved to have been on a public-school A-team!! (and yes it was a public school…sigh…)


February 25, 2009

morethananelectrician: you are right sir, I have never had nor do I want to have a pet hamster!!!

shewta: well…anytime I think about those poo pellets, I basically shudder 😉

B Smith: hmm….maybe that’s a tactic I DO need to use…HAHAHAHA…(seriously I love that comment 😉 )

bluesuit12: and I’ve always been a pretty substantial barfer when I barf…would’ve been a good weapon…sigh…

Kerplar: well I hate Tootsie rolls, so seriously, stop eating those poop pieces!! 😉

PS: Oh dear, they called you “condom”? I’m so sorry! 😦

PPS: I know I laughed my ass off too when I read that 🙂

talea: you’re so right, but then there’s the smell-thing, like when people smell on the subway, I feel compelled to breathe through my mouth know?

Duffboy: I sure as hell hope that it’s not a right of passage for everyone!…are there even enough poo pellets for that? 😉 …though I suppose it would help with morality issues later on 😉

teeni: hahaha…I know, it was a pretty inspired idea eh? 😉 And ya, I’m no angel, but I’d like to think I won’t ever be a meanie like that again 😉

Justin: I guess I got into the posse so I could be a work-horse with the torture, but I just wasn’t that into it 😉

PS: I always have this fear that blondie-bitch-face is an executive, and that somehow someway she’ll be my boss some day….and I think that would be almost as bad as the poop-in-mouth!!! 😉

CuriousC: thanks, and after 18 or so years, the taste is almost out of my mouth 😉

Josh: uhhhhhhhhh……hahahaha. And that’s what I love about you; let ’em have it and let ’em have it good!! 🙂 I’m not a saint either, and half the time I just declare my morality in words rather than actions, in hopes that some dude is hearing and will think I’m angelic, hahaha 😉

Dobeman: dude, you don’t even know how much I would just love to kick the crap out of girls and be done with it…but you know girls, those messy cat-fights with all that hair-pulling and stuff, not my thing 😉

David: the picture of it does get me a little teary-eyed, and to that picture I’d like to add that she didn’t wash her hands and ate a sandwich after… 😉


February 25, 2009

Hey Romi,

Somehow back in the corner of my mind, I remember you telling that story to me in highschool…… good for another laugh though ! hee hee


February 25, 2009

Romi, you were the mean girl??? No way! Okay, so it was only for a second 😉 Go you for figuring out on your own that you didn’t want to be the bitch-face. I’m sorry you got hamster poo in the mouth and that you can’t remember kicking her ass (which I’m sure you did, even if it was in super-fast-nobody-saw-it-but-you mode), but at least you’re the awesome sweet Romes we love today. Plus, now you have the ultimate revenge tactic should anyone go all bitch-face on you in grown-up world. Because hamster poo never goes out of style 😉


February 25, 2009

“After wishing her a happy birthday, blondie-bitch-face poured a glass of milk right on top of the the shy girl’s sandwich. Then she told me to stick a plastic fork in the sandwich. So I did.

We were then instructed to sing “Happy Birthday” to the girl. So we did. As a final command, she instructed the shy girl to eat the milk-soaked sandwich. And so, on her birthday, the shy girl ate up her dripping sandwich, one (sob-filled) bite at a time.”

While, on an ethical level, I can’t approve of the act: damn could that girl construct a compelling episode of sociopath theater. I half expected her to have a lighting guy and handful of band geeks in place to play a menacing score.

A.J. Valliant

February 26, 2009

Classic mean girl. I’m glad you were able to escape her clutches…even if you had to endure hamster poo to do it.


February 28, 2009

Danno: HAHAHA…oh my gosh, I think I DID tell you that story!! And also, you were in my class as well…Mlle Cyr remember?!?!! LOL… 😉

Emerald: I know I’m still a bit ashamed to know that I was in fact a mean girl once, but hopefully since then I’ve paid for it enough with later embarrassments and unwanted pieces of humble pie 😉

PS: hamster-poo never goes go out of style, and it’s a renewable source of weaponry! 😉

A.J. Valliant: “sociopath theater”!!! Oh my gosh, I am so disturbed and yet so agreeing with that assessment!!! Who knows where it would’ve ended? She could’ve been Hannibal Lecter’s understudy if she kept this up in high school 😉

Allison: indeed my friend, sometimes to truly escape the wrath of evil, you have to first encounter some animal poop…just a lesson to the young ones out there 😉


March 1, 2009

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