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Long sleeves, pants, spray-on sunblock, and glorious protective shade.
I’ve been conditioned to hide from the sun.
It started with the Indian community, whose favourite ambassador is my loud and screaming mother: “Don’t get dark! Stay out of the sun!”
But don’t people want tans? Isn’t that cool?
Not when you’re writing up an arranged-marriage profile, where the second-best stat is to speak of your “fair-skinned” goodness (and the number-one stat? Being slim. Sweet, twiggy slimness).
It’s kind of surprising that a culture which is…brown, fails to embrace its universal trait. I mean aren’t brown people supposed to be…brown? Why would being what you are preclude you from finding a match? Perhaps it’s all explained by an era in historic India, when my ancestors were obsessed with Kabuki theater.
Aside from the cultural brainwash, I am also inflicted with the Hollywood brainwash.
The sun makes you old, and being old means “Yo! Get outta the way! These hot-ass-smooth-skinned bitches need to pass.”
(can’t I be a hot-ass-smooth-skinned bitch as well?)
But the Hollywood damsels still spend hours and days at exclusive beaches soaking up the sun. So what gives?
It’s cosmetolo-worship baby.
Good for them, but I can’t afford to fix my face from all the perils of the fire-breathing sun.
So that’s why I stay away, remembering that the sun is any organism’s greatest enemy.
Or at least I thought it was, until I learned a bit about…bananas.
It happened in a flash, when I retrieved a banana from my bag at nine a.m. It had only been in there for my ninety-minute commute, so imagine my surprise when I was faced with the foreign creature: black, mushy, bruised and broken.
My banana died!
I’d always sensed some banana denigration on my journeys to work, but nothing ever quite so fatal. After spending the morning consulting with banana experts (or Facebook friends who left their comments in my status thread), I learned that bananas actually do this to themselves!
Apparently bananas are rich with bastard chemicals that turn on each other, any time they’re trapped in dark and cuddly quarters.
Allow me to say…that sucks!
Here I thought the sun was the skin’s greatest enemy, but what if I turned into blackened mush just from huddling beneath a blanket?! Or from hiding in my closet in the fetal position? (what?)
Bananas have it bad, and if the worst thing that can happen to me is wrinkles because of the sun? Or being bitch-slapped by marriage websites because of the sun? Well I’m kind of okay with that.
And I’m more than okay with never being bludgeoned and converted into bread or fresh-baked muffins…
Poor banana. 😦
I killed some more bananas yesterday…but the resulting banana cupcakes are my new dream recipe!! 😉
i’m sorry for your banana. but not really because this was one helluva funny post!
I am purposefully ripening bananas now so I can conduct more baking experiments…BWAHAHAHAHA.
What’s scarier? Self-hating-darkness-fearing-chemicals or hot-ass-smooth-skinned bitches immune to those chemicals? I don’t think you want to know. May you never be “bludgeoned and converted into bread or fresh-baked muffins…”, sweet friend!
Since you’re back in the blog wagon, how ‘about a Guest Post? 😉
oh yes…I didn’t forget about this: guest post! Give me more details–I will twitter you about it 😉
You ask the best questions.
thanks! I’m nothing if not inquisitive 🙂
Since I follow you on the Facebook a little, I know how the banana story turned out. What more could a banana hope for than to be reincarnated as a muffin in Romi’s oven. As they’re baking one muffin says, “jeez it’s hot in here!” And the other one says “Holy crap a talking muffin!”. I think a little sunlight is good for everyone’s skin. And my favorite color is rainbow! La dee frikkin da! I need to stop now. This comment is too stupid. I suck!
your comment is NOT stupid! I hope you come back here so you can hear how much the talking muffins made me laugh! 😉
I learned something today Romi – thanks 🙂
aww…glad I could teach the “teacher”…and thanks for friending me on FB! 🙂
F**K the muffins; I just made banana cupcakes with cream cheese frosting that will blow your mind!!! 😀
I never knew that bananas did this. You teach me so much.
Smokin’ hot, by the way. Reroar!
LOL…you are both complementary and blush-creating…you freak! 😉
I ate two bananas today…yellow with brown spots…that wasn’t a gay joke 😉
That is all 😀
I totally remember that Facebook status convo! We all learned more than anyone needs to about bananas. 😛 I used to worship the sun – and now I have wee spots! As soon as I noticed them I turned into a sun fearing pale freak show, with SPF 1000 and giant hats.
I have never seen a spot on you! You have youthful vigour…let the bananas suffer! 😉
The American idea of ideal skin shade has actually reversed. In the late 19th and early 20th century, the upper-class women avoided sunlight. This is why they carried umbrellas (parasols) when it wasn’t raining. They considered women with suntanned skin lower class–because suntanned skin indicated outdoor labor, thus poverty!
Also, in Victorian times, young women were discouraged from eating bananas–they were told that it looked improper. Of course they were never told why!
OMG…I totally remember the parasol-era…good catch! 🙂
So you don’t want to be a banana. How about a avacado? Wait they get black and mushy too! Great post my dear. LOL
I wanna be a strawberry in a champagne swimming pool..ohhh yeahhhh….lol 😉