Confessions of a Chick in Paris

Confessions of a Chick in Paris

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Shut That Beak or I’ll Shut it For You…

April 5, 2010 , , , , , , , , ,

When the weather is warm, my window is open and the birds start chirping at five a.m….

No.

Wait.

I need to discuss this vocal abomination.

Who told birds they could sing in front of houses?

I just don’t understand how in the confines of nature and its laws, birds could be so bold as to sing without permission. Are humans not superior to birds? I could crush a stupid beak with only two of my human eyelashes, so where is the respect?

Well if that’s the way nature works, then I guess it’s time to start camping out in front of bear caves. Then I’ll wake up at five a.m., and start singing “Like a Virgin” by Madonna at the top of my lungs.  And the bear can’t do a single thing about it.

No.

Wait.

The bear can chew my arm off, or whichever limb it finds most delicious. Or maybe I’ll be eaten head to toe, because you know, it’s a giant bear and I’m singing Madonna outside its cave.

At five a.m.

This brings me to my second feathered grievance. How come some birds get to be spotlight hogs, and others not? I mean it must be great to sing, or grab worms the fastest, or peck wood all day (what?), but why them and not…seagulls? How exactly did that conversation go?… “Hey seagulls, I know this sucks, but that polluted water over there is your turf. It’s not all bad news though, ‘cause you can always expand to landfills and pick through garbage.”   But maybe the seagull outcome isn’t the worst…“Hey chickens? Ducks? Pheasants? Cornish hens? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you know the whole circle of life and all that? Yeah well…”

I guess chickens and seagulls aren’t “sexy” enough to sing on tree-branches in residential neighbourhoods. That’s one way that birds are just like humans. The sexy people act and sing, while the rest of us pick through garbage or have our valuable organs harvested while we sleep (that’s never happened to you?).

Since I can’t do anything about it, I’ll try to understand the hierarchy of “sexy”, but I do have one requested change: kick out the birds, and hang a Daniel Craig outside my window. A shirtless Daniel Craig (well I’m not a lesbian so of course he would be shirtless), who serenades me with “Body and Soul” by Frank Sinatra.

Do you hear that Craig? My window is open (and aren’t you shooting a movie in Toronto anyway?)…I’ll be waiting with drool-encrusted cheeks…

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comments

5 am tweeters can be annoying. Perhaps a cat will begin to make appearances at the time and the birds will disappear until later.

Slamdunk

April 6, 2010

I even have a cat and that lazy boy just sleeps on my feet while they chirp away 😉

Romi

April 17, 2010

Hmmm. Drool encrusted cheeks. That should be more appealing than being crushed by one of your enormous eyelashes I suppose. I’m beginning to wonder if maybe kid Romi saw Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds one too many times. Personally I love the bird music early in the morning, but hey, I also think birds are pretty, well, bird-brained too. So many of them have kamekazeed into our windows over the years … But then, they lay eggs, and who doesn’t love eggs, for fuck sake? I like the title of this post the best, because, lately, instead of saying “shut up” to my wife when she’s prattling on, out of control, I’ve taken to saying Oh SHUT it, would you?!?! Or when she relates something incredible, I say Oh IS it?!? I know you’re an Anglophile too, dear, so there.

Finally, the image of you singing Madonna tunes outside the bear cave only made me think that instead of a bear coming out to eat you up, Madonna herself would come out, cause, she’s like, friends with the bear and shit, and she would do unspeakable things to you with her sinewy arms. It would be a huge grossout, I’m sure.

The End. 🙂

David

April 6, 2010

I saw The Birds for the first time two years ago…holy freakin crap!!! Those birds were evil 😦

And hahahaha….oh Madonna and her sinewy arms…I love her and will buy her music but will always be frightened of her 😉

PS: I would never tell you to “Shut it”, for the record 😉

Romi

April 17, 2010

When I was living in this one area of Guatemala, the chickens or hens (whatever the difference) sat in the trees. I took a pic and maybe I’ll have to post it sometime. Maybe in Guatemala the chickens are full of sexy confidence and choose to give the other birds…well, the bird I guess.

bluesuit12

April 6, 2010

I cannot imagine a chicken sitting in a tree..yes you should post it! And yay for sexy chickens, glad to hear they’re stepping up 🙂

Romi

April 17, 2010

I could crush a stupid beak with only two of my human eyelashes. Ahahaha.

I wish I had your brain.

Shweta

April 6, 2010

If you had my brain it would come with a lot of unpleasant side effects 😉

Romi

April 17, 2010

Lol – I love how you make the leap from sexy birds to sexy people. You are way too hilarious!

Grumpy

April 6, 2010

What is a bird, if not a much more compact sexy version of Daniel Craig? 😉

Romi

April 17, 2010

Very funny. In the tropics, birds are particularly vociferous, something I noticed on my last trip to Ghana.

Bisi

bisiadjapon

April 9, 2010

I hope you have sound proof windows then 😉

Romi

April 17, 2010

i had a funny comment all worked out and then you mentioned Daniel Craig and suddenly… I… couldn’t… think… straight… Mmmmm, Daniel Craig… wait- what was I talking about again?

rachelhamm

April 10, 2010

I have nothing intelligent to say when Daniel Craig is striding out of the ocean all bare-chested and soaked…mmm….huh? what??

Romi

April 17, 2010

That’s a good point! They are like humans, in that way! One way birds are unlike humans, though, is that the male birds are beautiful, while the females are plain! (The same is true of other animals, such as lions) This is easy to spot in cardinals, and especially peacocks, of course (the pea hens have no beautiful tails). Even in chimpanzees, our closest relatives, the males have big, pink butts, and the females don’t. We find those big, pink butts ugly as hell, but female chimps love them (I just have to keep repeating that (lol)!). So when, in our evolution, did the females become beautiful, and the males plain? And, especially–why? Good google question.

And why do we say birds “sing”, when they don’t? When they make those sounds, however pleasant, they’re not singing–they’re talking!

And finally, I’d like a hot opera singer at my window (most of them are not fat–that’s a myth). How about the mezzo-soprano Cecilia Bartoli (topless, of course)!

Scott

April 13, 2010

wow…I had no idea birds are the “hot” ones in the mating dance…though I do recall one episode of Planet Earth where this rare bird had this crazy tent like set of feather he’s bust out whilst dancing to attract the female bird..she, however, denied him…lol. I wish in human world the men were responsible for being beautiful…it would be so much easier! 😉

Romi

April 17, 2010

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