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Silence turned to muffled voices. Darkness turned to shades of red then light. And suddenly, only when the time was right, I tested out my very first “scream”.
It was April 9th, 1981, and I was born.
There have been twenty-nine occasions where the moment of my birth was acknowledged. I remember birthday cakes, My Little Ponies, and as I got older—ugly shirts and sweaters I didn’t want. Then I remember getting shmammered a time or two (vaguely), or buying myself nice things when the bank account was right.
But now that I’m at my oldest, the wisdom that showers this blog once a week asks a question:
-is the day of birth even being honoured at all?
Let’s look at wedding anniversaries for a moment. While many couples go the Hallmark route (letting ugly roses, ugly calligraphy and saccharin messages do all the work), others try to re-create the joy of the wedding hooplah. Whether it’s renewing vows, a second honeymoon, or even a special restaurant that carries a certain meaning, it’s “the union” that always takes center-stage.
So tell me then, what do birthday celebrations have to do with actual birth?
I mean unless placentas spill from birthday balloons when they pop? Not a hell of a lot.
Maybe if we actually celebrated our first day on earth, we wouldn’t take for granted all the many years we’ve been allowed to grace it. And maybe if we realized that the only reason we’re here is due to beautiful harmony in science (via nastiness we never want to picture our mom and dad doing), we’d spend more time making minutes count, and less time being assholes everyday (come on, you kind of are one. So am I though, it’s okay).
So I’ve basically solved the problem of humanity, which you know, is kind of a big deal. So how can you and I change the world? How can we honour our births at next year’s parties?
With some options of course, take your pick:
-Pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey is out, pin-the-umbilical-cord-on-the-fetus? Sooo in (recommended materials are bald Cabbage Patch Dolls, and moistened yarn (choose a yarn/Cabbage colour that fits the race—what? Don’t be afraid to talk about race; it is, at times, pertinent to the discussion).
-Save all that money you spend on bouncy castles or renting out bowling alleys, and use it on a full-day rental of the “Birth Simulator 3000.” I’m actually working on this one with some scientists, and I don’t have all the details yet, but think of your favourite Disney ride, where they truly try to place you in the movie moment. Materials and time of release to be announced, but there’s a very good chance that the Octo-mom will play a starring role (due to fame-whore tendencies, and lots of empty space/physical expansion abilities…)
-Bobbing for apples…in amniotic fluid. Visit your local produce section/hospital for materials, and for all of you still pissed about Obamacare? Item number two is covered, so HAVE A HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Wow. This gives me some ideas for some really graphic birth day cards. How about one that says PUSH!! on the front, and when you open it …
Let’s leave the rest to your FERTILE imagination my twenty-nine year old blog friend. I think you’re pretty much there, right? Maybe the card could have a pop-out thingy (could be anything- baby head, baby butt, foot, hand, cord, prolapsed mommy part, whatEVER!!) inside, or maybe we could have a whole new kind of birth day card that squirts stuff!! Huh?!? We just got done reading a memoir by our midwife, an amazing woman named Carol Leonard. I bet that she could help us out with a whole line of such cards.
As for the annual observance of this event, well it’s just calendrical, based on the orbit of Earth round the sun. BFD. 🙂 But I still hope you had a happy 29th my friend, and that you enjoy your last year of the twenties.
“prolapsed mommy part”…hahaha…no NOT that in the card please 😉 My imagination is fertile at its best, poisoned by insane pesticides at its worst! 😉
PS: your midwife wrote a memoir? I think that’s awesome 🙂
I LOLd at the “nastiness we never want to picture our mom and dad doing”. You are brilliant as usual. And that Birth Simulator 3000? I’d rather not try, thankyouverymuch. But it sounds like a GREAT idea.
Whatevs, we are getting you the Birth Simulator 3000 for your next birthday; or to save money we could do a joint birthday party since mine is so close 😉
Hilarious! Happy Birthday, to you! (I would sing it, but then I’d be in danger of copyright infringement–is that damned song ever going to be public-domain!)
hahaha..it’s true! HOW is that song not singable by the general public yet?!?! BOOOO!
I hate birthdays. Well, my birthday. But I think your’s is spectacular! I’m glad you were born Romi!
how can you hate your birthday?! You are young and full of vim and vigour!!! I love your birthday 😉
Haha. I’m so sorry that I am only getting to this entry now (although you already got my kiss ass email). Anyway, I think birthdays are kind of strange too. Why have we become so laudable and on top of that so demanding? Who says that someone needs a gift? You were fucking born just like the rest of us. What did you do? And you had the nerve to pop on out of there and cry! WTF?! Unheard of!! At any rate, I hope you had a lovely birthday and I am looking forward to next years party where we can play all the fun games. Lets get the “Birth Simulator 3000” up and running.
LOVVEEED your kick-ass email! I need to reply to that soon, but need to harness a bit more positive energy, as I’ve been a bit down lately, and I DON’T want to spew that into an email 😉 Hopefully soon then, because I want to find out how you’re doing!
PS: hahaha, yeah I can’t believe bitchy newborns cry 😉
I dare you to come up with a placenta birth-day activity, Romi? What do ya got 😉
hmm…a pinata filled with a placenta and marshmallows? Umm noo..not working for me 😉
Too funny–your post is though provoking. Happy belated birthday.
Yeah but it probably provoked some disturbing thoughts…sorry about that 😉
You really are nuts! Happy Birthday, whenever it was 😆
hahaha…I will accept the label of “nuts” from you, it’s fairly accurate after all 😉
As if you gave me the pin-the-umbilical-cord-on-the-fetus idea before we do up your birthday here next month! Ha! I cannot wait for the photos.
HAHAHAHAHA…that would be beyond insane, but at the same time a proper homage 😉 I ❤ you
“You go to Hell. Or break your leg. Or gain ten pounds.” – HI LARIOUS!!