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Still traumatized by the creepy picture of Justin Bieber on the cover of People magazine, I would hardly focus a blog post on the boy.
And yet, he’s revolutionizing the pop star to fan-girl experience, so I must.
Before I get all hot and bothered for a lad who isn’t legal, let’s travel back in time for a moment…
…It’s 1990, and the New Kids On The Block are playing yet another sold out show. Joey McIntyre sings the opening line to “Please Don’t Go Girl” and…we all lose our shit.
Oh wait, did I say “we”?
Well technically I wasn’t there, since my parents wouldn’t buy me a NKTOB pencil case let alone concert tickets, but hellllo, their concerts were on Pay-Per-View!
Incidentally, my parents refused to buy us Pay-Per-View concerts, but I still enjoyed the boys as a scrambled black and neon-coloured mess.
There was a point to this post…oh yes, back to the opening line of “Please Don’t Go Girl.” Fan-girls swoon, fan-girls sweat, and eventually…the fan-girls shoot their freshly soiled undies up on stage (with disturbingly impressive slingshot skills).
But wait: that’s not the moment of climax. The peak occurs when one of the fan-girls is pulled up on stage. She’ll now be serenaded, danced with, and kissed by a New Kid On The Block.
The problem of course, is that the “classic” heartthrob moment is remote…what if your favourite idol never plays in your city? And what are the odds of getting seats in the first three rows?
Well…fast forward twenty years and the fan-girl game has changed.
I’ll skip the Twitter tutorial (apologies to the Amish…wait a minute, you Amish, what the heck are you doing on the Internet?), and go straight to the biggest trending topic on the site:
*insert fan-girl squeal*
So how do you experience the real Justin Bieber, without ever leaving your home? It’s a process that reminds me of the Second Life site, which is a treasure trove of virtual pleasure for the modern adult. I mean imagine not only building your online self (with genitalia you can buy using credits), but mixing and mingling with other virtual humans! Like maybe it’s a rainy day outside, but you wouldn’t know; you’re way too busy at the Second Life bar, sipping Jack ‘n Coke, and getting ready to “hit that.”
Justin Bieber will also hit you up on Twitter, but in a much less graphic way. It kinda goes like this (paraphrased from actual tweets):
superfangirl#1: If it’s really u @JustinBieber, and if ur as amazing as I think u r, u’ll reply to this msg, and follow me back PS: I luv u!!! xoxo
JustinBieber: It’s really me @superfangirl#1 , and you are now followed back. Nice to meet you.
Oh my god, did that just happen?
Justin Bieber FOLLOWS BACK, and to the tune of fifty-five thousand people! (at last check)
If there’s anyone besides the Amish who doesn’t understand the enormity of being “followed back”, it’s pretty simple:
-Any time a chosen fan-girl posts an update (from what she had for breakfast, to narcissistic photos, to what colour her bra is), Justin Bieber will read it, ask her out, and probably marry her (at least one time out of fifty-five thousand).
So what are you fan-girls waiting for?!
[This message was brought to you by Twitter (not really), and the freak who writes this blog.]
[DISCLAIMER TO FAN-GIRLS: Even though you’re competing with fifty-five-thousand hungry fan-girls like yourselves, keep it classy, ’cause no one buys the calf when the virtual milk is free.]
Don’t forget step one: inducing puberty in the poor underage lad 😉
Ahem. *embarrassed face on* I had several NKOTB paraphernalia. And may have had a backstreet boy phase. Saw them at MuchMusic, you know, whatevs 😛
But theKatvonD tweets me back? Dude, I nearly pissed myself.
holy crap, that is a piss yourself worthy moment! My equivalent piss-yourself moment was when Kelly Cutrone tweeted me back, then the next day I met her TWICE, and was basically pissing all over the place…lol 😀
1. He is kinda cute. I was also disturbed by the People cover. WTF?
2. I like him now, after he surprised that little 3-year-old who is so in love with him on Jimmy Kimmel.
3. OMG! NKOTB!!!
4. Please don’t go girl is THE best NKOTB song. I have it on my iPod. (I even have a favorite line in that song.)
5. Great post!
6. I love you.
7. That is all.
hahahaha…I love that you have this boy crush! 😀
And umm yeah…LOVED Please Don’t Go Girl and that you posted it on my wall 🙂
PS: I love you to and very much! ❤
Oh my God. I immediately went to iTunes and downloaded Please Don’t Go Girl. I can’t believe the only NKOTB songs I had in my library were Summertime and The Right Stuff.
What if you were the fan-girl who got pulled up on the stage and the one who looked like a monkey is the one who serenaded and kissed you? That would be almost as disappointing as being the girl’s best friend who DIDN’T get pulled up on the stage.
Oh man, I didn’t have Step by Step either! Thank you so much for this post Romi. I can’t believe how utterly lacking in NKOTB I was.
Hahahaha…sometimes I have Step by Step on my workout playlist! 😉 And yeah, me and my sister used to always called Danny the monkey NKTOB…in hindsight I’m not sure if that is mean or funny 😉
LOL OMG as I read this Hanson’s new song came over my ipod! hahahaha…
I had no idea who Justin was til the other day. I youtube’d him and was imediately sorry I had done so. I’m not seeing the hype but then again I’m no fifteen year old fan girl.
P.S its stacey…..
Hi Stacey! Sorry I made you listen to Justin and get subsequently underwhelmed 😉
And hey is that a new blog you have?!?! 😉
I had a similar experience with the A-list blogger, Natalie del Conte. I sent her an email, telling her (in Spanish), how beautiful she was, and asking her some question about her blog (I can’t remember the question). And she replied, graciously! My niece-in-law, Jess (DUDE AND SWEETIE, http://dudeandsweetie.blogspot.com) told me it was quite rare to get a reply from an A-list blogger–which made me feel even more special!
I forgot the slash (/) at the end of Jess’s blogsite–sorry!
That must’ve been such a nice feeling! The littlest thing can brighten our day, and it’s so much nicer when someone out there in the public eye who we admire acknowledges! 😀
I still TOTALLY love NKOTB 😉 and I wouldn’t care if it was Danny who pulled me up on stage – he always had the hottest body 🙂
I kind of had a thing for the tall skinny guys so I was all over Jordan Knight in the big t-shirt and jean overalls 😉
You might or might not be aware of a certain Puerto Rican, Grammy-winning singer/songwriter by the name of Draco (formerly known as Robi Rosa: http://www.myspace.com/dracorosa). Sure, he followed me back, but then… I was tweeting about either a The Verve song or a Chemical Bros. tune, but he -out of the blue- replied to me! Later I realized he might have stopped following me, but still, we conversed 🙂
I’ve still not heard a Justin Bieber song. Am I missing out?
oooh….love the tweety convos! 🙂 And NO, you are NOT missing out!! 😉
Maybe it is kind of sad as the days of scrambled pictures are gone now that everything is digital…I seem to remember spending hours trying to catch a boob on a scrabbled channel. My parents wouldn’t take me anywhere that I could see a real one…except the zoo. 😦
OMG…me and my friends used to totally try to watch “grown-up stuff” that was scrambled…hahaha…that’s such a lovely childhood memory I’m having now 😉
That kid reminds me of NKOTB like woah. Good one Romi!
I had all the New Kid gear and I saw them at Copps in Hamilton! I was also in love with Joey, and I agree that Danny was a hot bodied monkey face.
Being Tweeted back is bananas. Erica Ehm, who I grew up watching on Much Music regular chats with me. WTF? The Dean Bundell Show re-tweet was sort of amazing as well.
“and I agree that Danny was a hot bodied monkey face.”….LMAO…well put! 😉
PS: Holy crap you are friends with Erica Ehm? She was my favourite Much Music veejay!!! 😀
I just want to give that kid a plate of cookies and a glass of milk when I see him, no idea why. To this day when I hear Please Don’t Go Girl I still tell Joey out loud that I won’t. I’ll wait right here. I mean, how could you not believe him when he said it would ruin his whole world?
hahahaha…And those big beautiful eyes, there is no way I’d be responsible for ruining his whole world 😉
My god, this kid is taking the world by storm. I’ve seen him on Chelsea Lately twice and he has the ‘tude of a 23 year old dude, it just kills me.
If if was 12 and he followed me back on Twitter, I’d be geeked, too.
He is seriously a crazy phenomenon, AND he’s a Canadian boy!…not sure if I’m proud of that fact though 😉
Has his voice even changed yet? Reminds me of that kid “ABC” “…at the plaaaaayground…”
Coincidentally, the lead singer of ABC is a guy named “Romell” or “RoRO.”
I don’t know what’s going to happen when his voice changes…it usually never ends well with these man-boys…
I would love to crush Bieber in between my naturally oily thighs. He needs to know the soft crunch of real womanhood on top of his smurfy white face. Sorry . . . I didn’t know I had so much animosity until now.
reading about your naturally oily thighs stopped me in my tracks…I still haven’t read the rest of the comment, that was just too funny 😉