Confessions of a Chick in Paris

Confessions of a Chick in Paris

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REGRETS: 100 GUYS I NEVER DATED (aka Book #2)

April 26, 2010 , , , , , , ,

A few things happened to me recently:

-My brain turned into mush from not writing anymore
-The mush turned me into someone who waits and waits and waits for editor responses, vs. someone who “acts”
-I needed therapy (most recently)

The preceding events led me to do some research, regarding Non-Fiction Humour that is published today. I may have only scratched the surface, but one thing is clear:

-Men publish more Non-Fiction Humour than women (at least what’s good or what we see, anyway)

Does this mean the same amount’s submitted, but women just aren’t as funny?

I don’t have time to start a battle of the sexes, but I have uncovered (and outlined) my second book.

“REGRETS: 100 GUYS I NEVER DATED” is pretty self-explanatory. We met, we had our altercations, but for whatever reason, we never made a match.

To be honest, I’m troubled by the fact that I can count a hundred missed opportunities; what if I’m too old to get a hundred more?

Well there’s no better way to figure out the future, than paying homage to the past. Guy by guy.

Sounds juicy, right? Or if you know me, add the word “ridiculous” to juicy.

Each guy will cover two or three novel-sized pages…a digestible amount, I think.

I don’t know if anyone would buy this book, or if my agent will even give it more than a sniff. But I’m going to write it anyway.

Because if life leaves you sick all over sometimes, and you DON’T start writing every day…?

You go to Hell. Or break your leg. Or gain ten pounds.

So yes…I should probably do it.

And as a a freebie, here is the first guy’s tribute below. I call him “Ass-Boy” and he was seven (I was seven too, so don’t get all creeped out).

I hope you will like it, dear readers, and of course I still hope I can sell my debut YEAR OF THE CHICK.  “100 GUYS…” could possibly be a good tie-in though, followed by a YEAR OF THE CHICK sequel…maybe…some day. Of course, all that is out of my hands.

So I’ll just keep on writing. ‘Cause that’s what writers do.

PS: if  a passerby reader steals my title or idea…well to be honest, go ahead, we can have a throw-down later.

#1: Ass-Boy

We were seven years old. Just a couple of spritely things, innocence in our eyes and sand in our teeth.

Or at least I had sand in my teeth. After what Ass-Boy did to me.

From the monkey bars, to the metal slide that burns your thighs, to that dangerous swinging tire attached to a piece of wood, I was making the most of my recess. Until an unexpected push left me reeling.

Landing face-first in the sand would’ve been okay, but then I felt two hands grab my corduroy pants from the sides.

Suddenly a breeze grazed my rounded cherub buttocks.

My pants were down. Underwear too. And everyone was laughing.

I quickly turned over to find the aggressor, and that’s when I exposed my lady-parts to the world (and Britney Spears thought she did it first).

Once I was fully clothed, I spotted him laughing near the metal slide; he was the one with hands still covered in sand. My tears were no match for my rage, so I chased him. And chased him some more.

At last  he was tackled, and I had him pinned securely on the hard gray pavement. He may have bled from the force of my attack, but it’s hard to know for sure. All I remember is those wretched faded jeans, and his agonizing wails as I pulled them down.

At the moment of his exposure, I realized the cause for Ass-Boy’s butt obsession. He wanted to compare against his own voluptuous curves.  Yes, it was big;  like a seven-year-old white boy with booty.

I wasn’t sure what would happen once he pulled up his pants. Would he punch me in the mouth? Would I kick him in his boy-balls?

Strangely, none of us even spoke; we just wiped our respective tears and walked away.

After that day, we never referred to the incident. It was almost as if we’d proven something to each other. We were tough, we were bold, and we were ready to expose some asses.

I think that’s why this first one hurts so much. What if I’d developed an acquaintance with the Ass-Boy? What if I was the Ass-Girl to his Ass-Boy? I mean sometimes when you’re young, you don’t realize that getting in a fight means you’re actually perfect for each other. Maybe we could’ve been one of those couples who argues over what movie to watch, punches each other in the arm, but later sets it right with a passionate sexual marathon.

But we’re not.

He’s probably an Ass-Man now, though I don’t think he expresses himself by pulling down women’s pants. Or if he does, he’s probably in jail…

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comments

100 missed opportunities? I am jealous. If I wrote that book….well it’d be an article, lol!

Grumpy

April 26, 2010

hahaha…but it only means how sad I am! 😉

Romi

May 2, 2010

You should totally Facebook him.

Also, great book idea. If you need research material, you know where to find me. I have a couple of stories to share with you and the world.

Maren

April 26, 2010

I kind of want to hear your stories over some cocktails, and I wonder if any involve all those men you rejected on airplanes..LOL 😉

Romi

May 2, 2010

Love this idea!! And the Ass-Boy sdtory was great! I would definitely read a book like this.

angelafristoe

April 26, 2010

Thank you! That means a lot to me, especially coming from a fellow writer! 🙂

Romi

May 2, 2010

-Men publish more Non-Fiction Humour than women (at least what’s good, anyway)

Gotta pick a point with you here – the perception may be that there are funnier male writers in non-fic, but I’m sure that an equal number of very funny female writers have penned hilarious works which deserve more credit. It is true that men seem to get more attention for their writing, but there’s an element of sexism in a lot of book reviews.

The idea is brilliant, and even after ten minutes of very hard thinking I still can’t come up with anything remotely similar in scope.

bigwords88

April 26, 2010

Interesting point, I wonder how skewed the market really is…but then there’s also society, and in my life experience, I have not met as many funny women as men (if humour is judged on the same metrics), but then again, is that because little girls are raised to learn that appearance is of more value for them than personality??? Hmm…hmm…interesting questions! 😉

A week later and I have definitely decided to pursue this idea/worked on it further..hope it flies! 🙂

Romi

May 2, 2010

O Playground Drama! What a delightful story. I’m so glad that you exacted such appropriate revenge on Ass Boy! Asses aside, little Romi had the balls! My heroine! 😀

David

April 26, 2010

aww thanks…it’s my grown up dream to have grown-up sized balls in important situations 😉

Romi

May 2, 2010

100?? 100?? What am I doing wrong in life? I tried thinking of some and got stuck on 10!

oh well, that’s why you are romi-liscious! this book sounds great, I can’t wait to read more.

rachelhamm

April 26, 2010

hahaha…I don’t think there’s something wrong in your life, I just think that I possibly fixate…way, way, WAY too much 😉

Romi

May 2, 2010

Umm.. do you intend on using illustrations for your stories? 🙂

ian in hamburg

April 26, 2010

hahaha….I should make this into a picture book shouldn’t I? 😉

Romi

May 2, 2010

Funny story. Your fearless reaction could have redirected his life for good–one less offender in the world thanks to you.

slamdunk

April 26, 2010

that’s true! I hope it helped him choose the right road 🙂

Romi

May 2, 2010

Will I be number 42?

bronsonfive

April 28, 2010

no it’s chronological..you are somewhere inbetween 80 to 100 😉

Romi

May 2, 2010

What can I say–that’s hilarious! I think a book like that, written by an obviously natural comedienne like you, would definitely have a good chance!

Scott

April 28, 2010

that is so sweet! It means a lot to know that at least within my blogging world, there is an audience 🙂

Romi

May 2, 2010

I love it! You two could have been super heroes with AB and AG capes.

you’re right. When I stop writing I loose motor skills.

Will

April 29, 2010

hahahaha…do you know how much I now wish we had these capes? Dammit…wasted youth, but great idea; my kids are definitely going to have capes based on their fetishes…lol 😉

Romi

May 2, 2010

I love you Romi, this post just made my morning! I’ve missed you!!!!!!!!!!

sammy25

April 30, 2010

I’ve missed you too! It’s been a strange stretch of time but it’s always good to re-connect to this blogging world 🙂

Romi

May 2, 2010

OMG – that is such a funny story! I’m so glad you went right back after that little jerk! Ah, Romi – nice to have you back and to be back myself. 🙂

teeni

May 1, 2010

Thanks! It’s so good to hear from you and I’m definitely glad you’re back 😀

Romi

May 2, 2010

So, if you guys had ever hooked up, and kissed, would that be “Ass to mouth?” You know, I’ve “heard” there’s a whole section of porn devoted to that…

dobeman

May 6, 2010

LOL…good to see you back! 🙂

Romi

May 9, 2010

Two words: God damn! You must continue writing, Romi, prove to the world that the non-fiction humour also has boobs and a period, instead of being cornered by the “mancakes” 😉

Duffboy

May 6, 2010

hahahaha….I swear, I think I will start using “mancakes” more often, thanks for informing me of its potential 😉

Romi

May 9, 2010

Ah Romi what a great idea and if you’ve got 100 non-date encounters to speak of, well good for you and get on with your girlie self!

This seems a marketable idea, in that ‘She’s just not that into you’ kind of way/vibe. Lots of stuff like this seems to sell and I can see you on the morning show chatting up Meredith Viera when it gets published!

Good luck girlie!
Jeni 😉

Jeni

May 11, 2010

hahaha…I love envisioning that talk show moment, thanks so much for your support Jeni!! 😀

Romi

May 17, 2010

This is HILARIOUS!

Kara

May 21, 2010

aww, thanks, glad you enjoyed it! 🙂

Romi

May 25, 2010

1 notes

  1. REGRETS:100 GUYS I NEVER DATED – #13. MR. WOODSMAN « Romi reblogged this and added:

    […] #13. MR. WOODSMAN May 17, 2010 Here is another complete work, from my compilation of “REGRETS: 100 GUYS I NEVER DATED”, a.k.a. book […]

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