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A few things happened to me recently:
-My brain turned into mush from not writing anymore
-The mush turned me into someone who waits and waits and waits for editor responses, vs. someone who “acts”
-I needed therapy (most recently)
The preceding events led me to do some research, regarding Non-Fiction Humour that is published today. I may have only scratched the surface, but one thing is clear:
-Men publish more Non-Fiction Humour than women (at least what’s good or what we see, anyway)
Does this mean the same amount’s submitted, but women just aren’t as funny?
I don’t have time to start a battle of the sexes, but I have uncovered (and outlined) my second book.
“REGRETS: 100 GUYS I NEVER DATED” is pretty self-explanatory. We met, we had our altercations, but for whatever reason, we never made a match.
To be honest, I’m troubled by the fact that I can count a hundred missed opportunities; what if I’m too old to get a hundred more?
Well there’s no better way to figure out the future, than paying homage to the past. Guy by guy.
Sounds juicy, right? Or if you know me, add the word “ridiculous” to juicy.
Each guy will cover two or three novel-sized pages…a digestible amount, I think.
I don’t know if anyone would buy this book, or if my agent will even give it more than a sniff. But I’m going to write it anyway.
Because if life leaves you sick all over sometimes, and you DON’T start writing every day…?
You go to Hell. Or break your leg. Or gain ten pounds.
So yes…I should probably do it.
And as a a freebie, here is the first guy’s tribute below. I call him “Ass-Boy” and he was seven (I was seven too, so don’t get all creeped out).
I hope you will like it, dear readers, and of course I still hope I can sell my debut YEAR OF THE CHICK. “100 GUYS…” could possibly be a good tie-in though, followed by a YEAR OF THE CHICK sequel…maybe…some day. Of course, all that is out of my hands.
So I’ll just keep on writing. ‘Cause that’s what writers do.
PS: if a passerby reader steals my title or idea…well to be honest, go ahead, we can have a throw-down later.
We were seven years old. Just a couple of spritely things, innocence in our eyes and sand in our teeth.
Or at least I had sand in my teeth. After what Ass-Boy did to me.
From the monkey bars, to the metal slide that burns your thighs, to that dangerous swinging tire attached to a piece of wood, I was making the most of my recess. Until an unexpected push left me reeling.
Landing face-first in the sand would’ve been okay, but then I felt two hands grab my corduroy pants from the sides.
Suddenly a breeze grazed my rounded cherub buttocks.
My pants were down. Underwear too. And everyone was laughing.
I quickly turned over to find the aggressor, and that’s when I exposed my lady-parts to the world (and Britney Spears thought she did it first).
Once I was fully clothed, I spotted him laughing near the metal slide; he was the one with hands still covered in sand. My tears were no match for my rage, so I chased him. And chased him some more.
At last he was tackled, and I had him pinned securely on the hard gray pavement. He may have bled from the force of my attack, but it’s hard to know for sure. All I remember is those wretched faded jeans, and his agonizing wails as I pulled them down.
At the moment of his exposure, I realized the cause for Ass-Boy’s butt obsession. He wanted to compare against his own voluptuous curves. Yes, it was big; like a seven-year-old white boy with booty.
I wasn’t sure what would happen once he pulled up his pants. Would he punch me in the mouth? Would I kick him in his boy-balls?
Strangely, none of us even spoke; we just wiped our respective tears and walked away.
After that day, we never referred to the incident. It was almost as if we’d proven something to each other. We were tough, we were bold, and we were ready to expose some asses.
I think that’s why this first one hurts so much. What if I’d developed an acquaintance with the Ass-Boy? What if I was the Ass-Girl to his Ass-Boy? I mean sometimes when you’re young, you don’t realize that getting in a fight means you’re actually perfect for each other. Maybe we could’ve been one of those couples who argues over what movie to watch, punches each other in the arm, but later sets it right with a passionate sexual marathon.
But we’re not.
He’s probably an Ass-Man now, though I don’t think he expresses himself by pulling down women’s pants. Or if he does, he’s probably in jail…
100 missed opportunities? I am jealous. If I wrote that book….well it’d be an article, lol!
hahaha…but it only means how sad I am! 😉
You should totally Facebook him.
Also, great book idea. If you need research material, you know where to find me. I have a couple of stories to share with you and the world.
I kind of want to hear your stories over some cocktails, and I wonder if any involve all those men you rejected on airplanes..LOL 😉
Love this idea!! And the Ass-Boy sdtory was great! I would definitely read a book like this.
Thank you! That means a lot to me, especially coming from a fellow writer! 🙂
-Men publish more Non-Fiction Humour than women (at least what’s good, anyway)
Gotta pick a point with you here – the perception may be that there are funnier male writers in non-fic, but I’m sure that an equal number of very funny female writers have penned hilarious works which deserve more credit. It is true that men seem to get more attention for their writing, but there’s an element of sexism in a lot of book reviews.
The idea is brilliant, and even after ten minutes of very hard thinking I still can’t come up with anything remotely similar in scope.
Interesting point, I wonder how skewed the market really is…but then there’s also society, and in my life experience, I have not met as many funny women as men (if humour is judged on the same metrics), but then again, is that because little girls are raised to learn that appearance is of more value for them than personality??? Hmm…hmm…interesting questions! 😉
A week later and I have definitely decided to pursue this idea/worked on it further..hope it flies! 🙂
O Playground Drama! What a delightful story. I’m so glad that you exacted such appropriate revenge on Ass Boy! Asses aside, little Romi had the balls! My heroine! 😀
aww thanks…it’s my grown up dream to have grown-up sized balls in important situations 😉
100?? 100?? What am I doing wrong in life? I tried thinking of some and got stuck on 10!
oh well, that’s why you are romi-liscious! this book sounds great, I can’t wait to read more.
hahaha…I don’t think there’s something wrong in your life, I just think that I possibly fixate…way, way, WAY too much 😉
Umm.. do you intend on using illustrations for your stories? 🙂
hahaha….I should make this into a picture book shouldn’t I? 😉
Funny story. Your fearless reaction could have redirected his life for good–one less offender in the world thanks to you.
that’s true! I hope it helped him choose the right road 🙂
Will I be number 42?
no it’s chronological..you are somewhere inbetween 80 to 100 😉
What can I say–that’s hilarious! I think a book like that, written by an obviously natural comedienne like you, would definitely have a good chance!
that is so sweet! It means a lot to know that at least within my blogging world, there is an audience 🙂
I love it! You two could have been super heroes with AB and AG capes.
you’re right. When I stop writing I loose motor skills.
hahahaha…do you know how much I now wish we had these capes? Dammit…wasted youth, but great idea; my kids are definitely going to have capes based on their fetishes…lol 😉
I love you Romi, this post just made my morning! I’ve missed you!!!!!!!!!!
I’ve missed you too! It’s been a strange stretch of time but it’s always good to re-connect to this blogging world 🙂
OMG – that is such a funny story! I’m so glad you went right back after that little jerk! Ah, Romi – nice to have you back and to be back myself. 🙂
Thanks! It’s so good to hear from you and I’m definitely glad you’re back 😀
So, if you guys had ever hooked up, and kissed, would that be “Ass to mouth?” You know, I’ve “heard” there’s a whole section of porn devoted to that…
LOL…good to see you back! 🙂
Two words: God damn! You must continue writing, Romi, prove to the world that the non-fiction humour also has boobs and a period, instead of being cornered by the “mancakes” 😉
hahahaha….I swear, I think I will start using “mancakes” more often, thanks for informing me of its potential 😉
Ah Romi what a great idea and if you’ve got 100 non-date encounters to speak of, well good for you and get on with your girlie self!
This seems a marketable idea, in that ‘She’s just not that into you’ kind of way/vibe. Lots of stuff like this seems to sell and I can see you on the morning show chatting up Meredith Viera when it gets published!
Good luck girlie!
hahaha…I love envisioning that talk show moment, thanks so much for your support Jeni!! 😀
This is HILARIOUS!
aww, thanks, glad you enjoyed it! 🙂
[…] #13. MR. WOODSMAN May 17, 2010 Here is another complete work, from my compilation of “REGRETS: 100 GUYS I NEVER DATED”, a.k.a. book […]