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I must be a prude or have a “grandma soul”, because the music of today makes me turn and run more times than not. Usher’s fixated on “boobies like wow, oh wow”, Lady Gaga sings of “disco sticks” which are not an item from Toys ‘R Us as I’d originally thought, and Akon, a featured singer for bouncing bodies or sexy bitches songs, must be riding a wave of perpetual erectus (I hope someone will be kind enough to relieve him). Of course, it gets way more detailed than that (please refer to all the songs where half the lyrics are bleeped out on the radio), but I’ll leave that to your own listening pleasure.
So..what’s the final frontier of music? I suppose the physical union of bodies has long been the topic of tunes, but it was so much cozier in the Frank Sinatra days. I mean a long embrace? Now that I can get behind! A long embrace does not require wowzer boobs and an ass shaped like an astronaut (my translation of modern lyrics may not be exact).
It’s not likely we’ll return to the graceful art of subtlety, and maybe “hook-up” music keeps the nightclub culture booming.
So FINE, let’s keep it slutty, but we still have to keep it fresh! I don’t know what’s left in this modern expression of “man hunts, man penetrates woman” (please re-write as needed for the Lady Gaga version), but what about a throwback to the past? I mean it happens with fashion all the time, almost everything is “old turned new again.”
Okay then…which era should we pick for the next generation of club tracks?
I know, I know, I give preferential treatment to Ancient Egypt all the time. I’ll admit it’s my favourite era, but this time it really makes sense! Ancient Egyptians had beer and wine, so obviously they knew how to party. They also didn’t wear a lot of clothes due to heat. And let’s not forget that future pharaohs were being married off/crowned in their early teens, which means that “sexy time” amongst the young ones was the norm (take that, concerned parents, we’ve always been whores…)
So let’s set the stage, shall we?
It’s a sunny day in Lower Egypt, but heat still burns through your transparent linen gown (you are a woman, by the way). You and the girls are headed for a nearby oasis; trees and sparkling water all around…yippee! A few hours later you realize it was only a mirage. No trees, no water, you have sand in your eyes and your butt-cheeks are starting to sweat.
Night falls, and suddenly an army of man-boys appears from behind a sandy dune. They’re running towards you in all their loincloth glory. Normally you wouldn’t go for silly man-boys, especially not the lowly type confined to manual labour. On the other hand, carrying all that limestone to build the pyramids did a wonder on their forearms, which are veiny and bulbous (just the way you like ’em).
The man-boys slow to a halt, setting down their bottles of wine, whilst smiling at you and your girlfriends all the time. You blush and look away, as your brown skin glistens through the barrier of linen.
Conversation flows at a stifling pace, but who even cares? Mental stimulation isn’t needed on this night.
You swig the wine, eat handfuls of sticky dates, dance underneath the stars, and then…and then…
I wouldn’t recommend a straight story-to-song conversion, but there is so much potential material:
-Transparent linen gowns, man-boys, bulbous forearms, sweaty butt-cheeks, sticky dates, starry night, heat, group sex
I’m no songwriter, but I think I smell a hit. I’ll let the experts build the actual track, but I would really like a credit when it hits the airwaves.
(saving the world again, but musically this time…)
I am with you Romi – all this supersexualisation in music makes me grrr grandma crazy, like it is really necessary? *sigh*
Just saying “supersexualisation” makes me feel dirty 😉
King Tut and Queen Slut. Dancin’ with the slave boys in the hot hot sun …
You’re channeling Maria Muldaur Romi and she ain’t even dead yet.
I always thought that Prince’s early hits were about the filthiest possible for that era. Little Red Corvette, Raspberry Beret, etc. Now however, with porn so widespread, the mechanics of it all have crept into the lyrics. Yuk. I’m too old for this shit …
Fun post Romi.
Dude, I’m too old for this shit as well!!! Grr…
Once again you remind me why I love reading your blog. You take random thoughts, stir them together, and out comes a brilliant post. And what’s up with Akon? Seriously. I remember liking his first song or two and then I was over it.
You are too kind and it really means something to hear that 🙂
But back to the whorish topic at hand, Akon is incredibly over-hyped, and given more than a reasonably allotted sexy man status…ugh.
“I sit 90 degrees underneath palm trees…”
I think the Fugees were already flirting with your brainchild. Time bandits maybe?
I was, and still am a fan of gangster rap and the like (a guilty pleasure to say the least), but I still can’t argue with your points.
Each generation thinks the next generation has gone too far in one form or fashion (music being a favorite whipping post), and who can argue? Just take a look at the world today.
Factor in 2012 (the supposed ‘end of the world’) is right around the corner. Maybe it has gone a bit too far. The timing sure seems right.
Well, I guess with ‘the end’ looming so near, it’s kind of motivating. You might as well go out with a bang, and lots of bitches and money. 😈
Rock on, Romi. 😉
If this is the end of it all, I still want a nice long embrace, dammit… 😉
You post reminds me of watching music videos with my cousin when he was about 14. A Christina Aguilera video came on and my cousin – with no thought to my already horrified grandmother – said “I bet she puts out. I know I’d sleep with her. She’s a total slut.”
I bet my Grandmother would have welcomed a nice long embrace from Frank Sinatra at that point just to keep her from fainting.
Also, I blame this post for getting the song “My Humps” stuck in my head.
I apologize for the “my humps” influence, and hollly crap, I would’ve fainted too if I heard that, haha 😉
Ah, you’ve got it! Lack of subtlety in music leaves me cold. I’d rather not watch any of the x-rated grunting and grinding. This is happening in Ghana too and I was about to blog about it!
Thanks for the reminder.
it’s said that it has gone worldwide, how the heck can we make the world more wholesome?!? 😉
There was a song from my teenage years that cut out all the BS and went right to the point. Search YouTube for “Big Dumb Sex” by Soundgarden. (But not if your grandma’s in the room.)
I’m afraid to look that up on YouTube, maybe for when I’m in a whorish mood, haha 😉
Your post takes me back to MJ’s Egypt-themed video “Remember the time”. Those were the days: Magic Johnson, Eddie Murphy, sexy-yet-not-slutty choreography and superb special f/x. Those were the days…
And those days shall never return…sadly…!
You’re like an anthropologist of hip-hop and love.
I liked this line, and with some tweaking, I’d like to make it my new motto: “let’s keep it slutty, but we still have to keep it fresh!”
Okay, so first get a t-shirt that says that, then a bumper sticker for your car, we can totally make it your motto!! 🙂
sounds like a country song
Oh I love it! Your songs would still be so hot yet your lyrics would be way classier than today’s crap. I definitely think you should give it a go. 🙂
I smell a new career choice for me, thanks for the vote of confidence 😉
Haha. I have to agree that music isn’t very classy these days! I miss the good ol’ Elvis Presley days! 😛
Me too! Thanks for visiting my blog 🙂
Dang girl you can’t tell me some of these songs don’t rub off on you!!!!! We’ll have to discuss so I can make you a mixed cd…thats romanical right?! I know I know the music isn’t tasteful or subtle or manage any comparison to music like Rev. Al Green, or Billie Holiday, or Frankie Vallie, but there is something about a pop song that is dirty and makes you want to be nasty that is great too!! 😉 What’s wrong with a little disco stick in life LOL.
hahahaha…okay, fine…MAYBE you represent some of the balance in life that is necessary…maybe 😉