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“But whatever do you mean, dear Romi? Chocolate is the most heavenly food on earth!”
First of all, thank you for referring to me as “Dear Romi”, that’s how I’d like to be addressed in all conversations henceforth.
And I know, I know, everyone loves chocolate…mixed with EVERYTHING.
Well that’s what pisses me off. Chocolate can do no wrong (except when it’s in a Big Turk—what sicko came up with that one?), especially when it’s getting bedazzled with other ingredients.
In chocolate bars for example, interaction with peanuts, caramel, wafers, and nougat is heavily encouraged (many times all at once). Add that to your “chocolate bar versions” of cakes, cheesecakes, and ice cream flavours, and it’s clear that in the realm of chocolate, “more is sexy-ass more.”
But if chocolate gets to be the most with the most, why can’t women do it too?
(you knew this post was going somewhere very important…well here we are.)
I’m talking about makeup, hairstyles and accessories. One of the truths about becoming an older woman (did I just say that out loud?), is that you start to discover how you can’t “get away with” everything. Even when you’re younger, being a beautiful girl has a lot to do with “less is more.” The cosmetic industry itself makes its efforts to adapt, with “natural-looking” mascara, earth-tone eye shadows, and nude-coloured lip-gloss (which by the way, seems sluttier to me. Like hello, you’re walking around town with natural-coloured but super-shiny lippies. How did they even get so shiny? Like what have you been up to today?…). As far as hairstyles and jewelry goes, the craziest options are always available, but society calmly advises you not to mix ‘n mingle.
For example: big-hoop earrings? Fine. But maybe you should go easy on the volumized hair. Luscious red lips? Okay. But only if you skip on the dollops of silver eyeshadow, ’cause mama didn’t raise no whore.
And there it is. The line you can’t cross, for fear of being labeled a lady of the night. I don’t understand this. I mean if I can find an amazing mascara that can make all my lashes look bangable (who says you can’t bang an eyelash? Maybe you just need to be more creative), a lip-gloss that provides a fierce amount of colour, eyeshadow that sparkles all night long, and hairspray that provides enough volume to touch the ceiling…isn’t that a win-win-win-win?
No, you tart, it’s a four-way loss and a one-way ticket to Tramp-Town.
I suppose if I got naked and lathered myself in nougat, peanuts and wafers I’d be the toast of the town. But then again my name isn’t ‘Ho Henry…or Tit Kat.
By the way, has anyone ever given chocolate an A.I.D.S. test? I’m just saying, it gets around…
Heh. Tit Kat. I see what you did there!
Dude, is this post cuz we all made fun of you for your semi-nudity on facebook? Cuz you were totally rocking the less is more look there! Zing.
Anywho, I can’t believe you badmouthed chocolate, just stay away from wine.
I ate three pounds of chocolate after I wrote this. Highly decorated, “showy” chocolate.
Funny post Romi–I mean Dear Romi. I should not read your blog when there are kids sleeping the stifled laughter may wake them up–then I’ll be in serious trouble.
Enjoy your week.
You know I hit my three-year blogging anniversary today, and I must say it never gets old or less “fuzzy” feeling if a stifled laugh resulted from what I said…thanks! 🙂
HAH! Talea beat me to it. I was gonna say ‘where is the chocolate flavored feminine, er, hygiene (?) product’, for example? Deliciousness. Oh god I can’t write any more on that topic, because I am a gentleman. Really.
Dear Romi, I hear you on this. I’m halfway through my birthday Lindt Chili chocolate bar, and savoring every little square … How did chocolate get to this state of elevated importance? I have no frackin idea. But it deserves it. Totally. Right? Why else would you have even written this post?
I saw the Lindt chilli chocolate at the store the other day but I didn’t buy it…perhaps my quiet resistance continued, though secretly I’m a chocolate ‘ho and would go to great lengths to always have chocolate in my life 😀
Mmmmm… chocolate covered tramp. 😛 I’ll take two please.
two chocolate tramps is better than one! 😉
Now, should I write about my eyelash-banging experiences? Would it be a TMI comment?
On a whole other subject, may you be as made up and luscious as a Charlie Sheen escort, Dear Romi, if that’s what your destiny holds for you 😉
Can you write me a separate email about your eyelash-banging experiences? hahaha 😉
PS: being Sheen’s escort is like climbing to the top of Mount Everest, if Charlie Sheen was a mountain…wait…I am very, very lost right now…overdosing on chocolate maybe.
You’re a nut job, ahahahahahaaa! I can just picture you, DEAR Romi, a chocolate covered version, uh oh, ze men would go crazy. So, dear heart, this is chocolate envy, as opposed to p envy. I get it. 🙂
I love how people really started referring to me as “Dear Romi” in the comments, I shall make other requests in my blog posts too! Hope that is not being greedy 😉
PS: I hope your summer has been going well, Bisi! 🙂
Ha ha ha!!
I hope all the girls in Vancouver read this post – so many of them here DO all of those awful things! Shiny gloss, big hair, big earrings…it’s like an 80’s video come to life.
Also, you need to invent Tit Kat bars – now THAT would be a money maker. Wafer women covered in chocolate as bachelor party favours!
I hope nobody steals that idea, big-boobed women chocolate bars, it’s a winner!! 😀
Can we be ladies of the night together???? I mean you can cover yourself in nougat; I’d perfer a dash of glitter. We’d be delicious and eye catching 🙂
P.S. Where are these tickets to tramp town and how do I get one???? 😉
Dude, you and I need to hop on the tramp-town express and go clubbing 😉
um please can we?!?!?!
I know what you mean with the whole “less is more” thing. I’ve been rocking the red lipstick lately, but then I have to go mellow, almost lazy-eye style shadow. Then, if I decide to show my girls off to the night crowd, I’m supposed to wear jeans, or if I wear a my gingham mini-skirt, I’m supposed to go turtle-neck (mock-neck if I’m feeling bold).
Who made up these rules?
I totally hear you! Short skirt AND showing your collarbone is like telling the world you’re “all ‘ho, all the time”…I hate these made up rules… 😦
Dear Romi, that treat you described at the end sounds oh-so-delcious.
B5 you can order these treats by the case, I have girls going door-to-door to sell them ;-)…
Dear Romi, I have missed you so. I’ll be reading here so I am semi close. Look for me down a few posts from this one.
Are you seriously back though Will? Because I’ll be reading your blog this week, and then expecting you to post regularly and NOT disappear again!!! 🙂
You totally just said Tit Kat on your blog. I love it.
Um, I totally agree with this and I’ve always had an issue reeling it back. I mean, you know how much I love my headbands and cheap plastic jewelry! What’s a 29-forever gal supposed to do?! 😛
hahaha…but cheap plastic jewelry is the best! And you KNOW I love my dangly earrings (more fond of the ones that “look” heavy but aren’t, vs. the ones that weigh a pound each 😉 )
I like to be referred to as a lady of the night. 😉