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Is pollution an adequate price to pay for keepin’ it sexy?
When I explain the following scenario, you might just nod your head yes.
As a modern working woman with an automobile and a shoulder-padded blazer (purchased in that order), I admit I have a regular need for petroleum. Though I do try to limit my dependence on oil with a train pass, a subway pass, and some comfortable “old lady” walking shoes (made for old ladies but not out of old ladies…though the latter would be an interesting form of recycling), I do fill up on gas three times a month.
These gas-pumping events are unlike any other, when it comes to expressing the following needs:
-look sexy, move sexy, and above all else…get noticed.
If you don’t know what I’m talking about you obviously take the bus, so here’s a historical archive to assist (at 1 minute 40 seconds to be exact). In this music video for “Crazy” by Aerosmith, Liv Tyler pumps gas the way all women were meant to: bent over in painted-on leather pants and a half-shirt, with ass swinging to and fro like a pendulum.
I don’t have to ask the women out there if that’s how they pump their gas. Of course they do. Nor must I ask the men out there if they happen to enjoy the show. Of course you do.
And me? Those visits to my local gas bar are a thrill. Even though I visit the gas station right after work, I quickly remove my nerdy buttoned blouse and office work pants in the car. Then, at the perfect moment I slowly emerge, all decked out in my denim tween-sized shorts (it’s summer so let’s skip the leather pants), a white tank top, black bra (contrast is everything), and pink go-go boots. It’s my 6pm showcase at the pump.
But…what if we as humans, never pumped gas again?
Laugh if you will, but as hybrid cars become more and more mainstream, it won’t be long before we fully switch to electric. And where is the sexiness in plugging your car into a socket? In your own garage? With only your cat as the audience?
It’s a travesty.
So do we make a worldwide appeal to cancel electric cars? Do we let the emissions run wild?
There must be another way, and if you’re all in agreement, I think I may have found it.
All we have to do is find alternative daily tasks in public, where short-shorts/boots/bending over/ass-swinging will work.
Here are the ones I’ve come up with:
-Putting your baby on the floor, pavement, grass (or any other “bottom” surface in public), then picking the baby up. This only works if you have your own baby or steal someone else’s.
-Grocery shopping, and only picking items from the bottom shelf (you may end up eating weird food that’s expired, but it’s a small price to pay for pleasing the men and pleasing your ego).
-Locking and unlocking your bicycle at a bike rack (this means you’ll have to start riding a bicycle…wearing short-shorts and tall boots).
That’s all I’ve got so far, but if we pool our heads together and uncover other sexy options, maybe we can save the earth and keep our superficial needs in tact (a girl can dream).
So help me…help me to help you.
ps…didn’t know you were a fellow blogger!!
Also? I’m always wayyy too sexy when I am either laying our babe down, or picking him up. I just can’t seem to turn it off. This is my cross to bare
you are NOT a blogger too! Yet another way to interact, I will add you ;-)…
We could also mount mailboxes on the ground so that daily bending could be viewed by neighbors–well that would be scary on my block.
Yes, the demographics of the area are a crucial component 😉
Huh? Wait – tell me exactly where this writhing, gas-pumping-in-leather-pants is going on… I miss everything good.
And as for the environment – I think there’s a better argument for hydrogen-fueled vehicles than there is for electric ones. Aside from the Tesla, which is too expensive for most people, electric cars have a tendency to be overtly pious. An automobile shouldn’t be ugly, and that is precisely what most electric ones are.
We’re so damn close to nudging that one last degree anyway, that pretty much anything we do from now on is only going to describe how long the Worst Case Scenario is going to last, not prevent it. The damage has already been done.
Okay, but can you pump hydrogen into a hydrogen-fueled car? Would there be hydrogen stations in this future state? Would I still be able to bend over and fill up my car? THESE are the crucial questions… 😉
CAR WASH! Lots of suds, water and skimping clothing. Be sure to pay extra close attention to the tires and rims. Oh yeah, baby, that’s the way I like it.
If you really want to please us guys… wash our cars. 😈
Keeping it sexy, Romi. You go girl.
Car wash…hmm…could definitely go car-wash-crazy on weekends, and stick the gas pump for weeknight activity…fair compromise? 😉
There’s always the “OOPS I totally accidentally dropped this item! Oh doggone, I seem to be having SUCH trouble picking it up!”
Oh yes, dropping, and then subsequently dropping the item 2 or 3 more times on pick up attempts would be a NICE display of what we’re after 😉
I love your take on the oil crisis Romi. You just get it.
My favorite line: “I slowly emerge, all decked out in my denim tween-sized shorts . . .” Brilliant. I like to wear construction work boots (the Marc Jacobs ones with the slutty heel) too because it gives my pumping an extra blue-collar edge that male onlookers want to know more about.
Then, when they get too close and notice how I have to pump my gas so that it ends on a “.00” at the end, it’s like a giant collective gasp of sexy desire for me.
You’re the best Romilatta. Can I visit you in Canada one day?
AB, the fact that they make slutty construction work boots with a heel is possibly the most amazing thing in the world 🙂
PS: it is such a show of skill and sexuality, to be able to pump to .00
PPS: please come to Canada, we would have more fun than could ever be legal 😀 …and I do hope a reverse offer stands if I get to visit Cali!
I finally know what I’ve been doing wrong all my life! I’ve never changed clothes in my car to re-emerge at the gas station all sexified (not that I could emerge sexified if I wanted to, but the point is I never have tried). I pump gas leaning against my trunk, often times with a book in my hand or pushing the hair out of my face. I’ll know better next time. Which will probably be tomorrow. Better dust off the short shorts and get some lipo before then. Thanks Romi, for your ever-increasing wisdom!
hahahaha…Rach, your sarcasm is a jewel 😉
I have said it before and will say it again – you crack me up Romi 🙂 How you think of these I will never know, nor question!
Haha, you’re sweet grumpy! And even if I wanted to tell you how I thought of them, I wouldn’t know the answer! 😉
First let me say I thought I knew that ass in your post…I was obsessed…OBSESSED with Crazy as a kid and lurved that video. Secondly, well I may not pump gas in the liv tyler a la crazy way I do occasionally use a hallway in my office as a runway when no one is around (it is as epic as it sounds), thirdly I’m totally stealing the locking/unlocking bike chain sexy move (I just have to perfect it) and finally, since you are prancing around in old lady shoes what way do you sex up your walk since you don’t pump gas the way Liv does?
hahaha, you know what sammy? I watched that video and then Cryin’ about a bazillion times when I was a kid/teen…gooood times 😀
PS: I change from the old lady shoes to the go-go boots for gas-pumping activities 😉
PPS: your runway walk in the office hallway is pretty much, the best thing I’ve ever heard 😀
Sounds like you might want to get ready to offer classes in the Elle Woods ‘Bend and Snap’ a la Legally Blonde!
hahaha YES, bend ‘n snap was one of the best parts of Legally Blonde! 🙂
Hi Romi just wanted to check with you whether or not you are still happy with Langtons International? I haverecently sent off my ms to them and need some advice.
TEN YEARS before sweet Romi was even born, we gas-guzzling hogs here in the USA got the message from Arabia that this whole petroleum thing was FINITE. Did we listen? Not that much, no. We put fingers in ears and chanted LA LA LA … for FORTY YEARS …
We continued to suck the light sweet crude lubricant from between the various layers of our crusty, stony planet, until it regularly squeaked and quaked, and spewed the oily mess upon the waters and burned it into the air until everything was just the worst hot mess ever. What kind of idiotic creatures are we who systematically destroy our very own home?
This post is very encouraging. I’m glad to know that you are thinking about these things Romi. Even though it is too late, it’s comforting to know that a surviving remnant see what is happening, and understands.
David, I always enjoy your rhetorical questions and thoughts, it is SUCH a hot mess!!
And yes, I consider myself a surviving remnant, who shall not sing “LA LA LA” for the duration of my existence 😉
This sounds like a recipe for a bad back. That might be a good idea though. Women can still be sexy and in the process they can pick up a guy and get a massage in the same sweep. I don’t care what chicks do to bend over but I suggest doing it as much as possible. Especially with the annual summer trend of shorts getting shorter. Good post. ;)~
Justin, sexy/guy/massage is a pretty awesome 3 for 1 deal! 🙂
PS: how the eff are you? Hope all is well, heard you got a job offer? GO YOU!! 😉
Haha! Hilarious post!
I have to admit that I once owned a pair of shoes made out of an old lady. But I only bought them because she looked like this- http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e130/Niblockg/whentostoptanning.jpg .
What can I say, back then I had a thing for pleather.
hahahaha…I think we’ve all worn “leathery baked old broad” shoes…thanks for commenting bschooled! 🙂
Play tennis: Apply sun screen to all the right places. Pick up balls from your tennis bag on the floor. Get water from your bag on the floor. Fumble for a towel. Walk in a straight line from net to baseline–after you’ve made the point. Throw back your neck as you drink water. Chest out and bend when serving the ball. While receiving the ball, make the most of bending and swaying from side to side.
I feel inappropriate when I read this Bisi, HAHAHA…so, play any good tennis lately? 😉
Is it too much to ask for a pic of you in your pumping outfit?
I can tell you, with absolute assurance, that a pic of a 1994 Liv Tyler pumping gas far exceeds anything I could do in a photograph.