Confessions of a Chick in Paris

Confessions of a Chick in Paris

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Grateful Moment #1: You Aren’t What You Eat!

August 1, 2010 , , , , , , , ,

Spend enough time with elitist healthy folk, and you’ll eventually hear: “You are what you eat!

Okay fine, I’m being judged on eating a cheesecake that’s meant to serve a family of eight, but I don’t actually look like a cheesecake so all is well.

Unless…I wake up one morning, and CNN says that from now on humankind will actually be what it eats.

What would I do differently?

This has nothing to do with being healthy, and everything to do with looking hot.

For me the scenario is hopeless. There is no “hot” food in the world.

I’m sure the girls would quickly say how they’d love to be a carrot or a string bean because it’s thin, but would you? Really?

A string bean would make you skinny, but that doesn’t mean you’d be a skinny girl with boobs. String beans DO NOT have boobs. AT ALL. Even if you wanted to be a peach because it looks like a curvy butt, well what then? You’re just a walking fuzzy butt. Have fun with that.

With no hope of looking hot, I might consider being a chocolate bar, for no other reason than to take juicy bites of myself.

But body parts are not re-generating, so once I make a meal of my chocolately arm, I’ll be a one-armed chocolate feast. Then I’ll feel sad, and what do women do when they get sad? Eat chocolate! Pretty soon I’ll be a chocolate face and nothing more, ’cause you can eat all the rest but you can’t actually eat your own face (try it, you’ll fail).

And so, there is no happy ending to “you are what you eat”, which makes me so grateful that there isn’t a beginning.

I hope your current life feels less wretched now, at the low, low cost of zero dollars.

You’re welcome!


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my life did feel temporarily less wretched


August 1, 2010

zomg that’s the whole point of the current book I’m writing (this post pulled from it) that I can’t really talk about…YAY! 😀


August 15, 2010

This was hilarious.


Hummushead Pitabutt

Moonbeam McQueen

August 2, 2010

I would be all over your hummus/pita action Moonbeam…bring it 🙂


August 15, 2010

Hahahaha, I’d love to write an article, My life as a Hot Dog 🙂



August 2, 2010

The story of the hot dog needs to be told 😉


August 15, 2010

I hate when people try to give me that bs about you are what you eat. Like I don’t know that already. The Cheez-Its are giving me a really nice orangey summer glow though – it’s better than any tanning lotion.

Vodka and Ground Beef

August 2, 2010

I’m surprised that Cheez-Its aren’t the hottest new thing in tanning circles…like are we still stuck on macaroni and cheese? It’s not very modern.


August 15, 2010

“Sam Beauregarde: I’m getting even with you for this, Wonka, if it’s the last thing I ever do! I’ve got a blueberry for a daughter… “

The Burg

August 4, 2010

hahaha….ah Willy Wonka…what a classic story, and the original “you DON’T want to be what you eat” 😉


August 15, 2010

I eat a lot of alcohol. But I like it. I guess you only are what you eat when you weigh over 300 lbs.


August 4, 2010

I wouldn’t mind becoming alcohol…you’d get to show up at all the best parties (and the really crappy ones too, I guess…lol)


August 15, 2010

You could become a cannibal and start eating super models. Then you’d be super hot for sure. 😉

Peter Parkour

August 5, 2010

Becoming a cannibal to become a supermodel is quite the commitment…couldn’t I just plastic-surgerize my whole body and face instead? 😉


August 15, 2010

Hmm. That Hummushead Pitabutt lady looks delicious. I’ll have two of her, medium rare. And a box of Garlic Parmesan Cheezits on the side.

Everything I eat ends up looking like shit anyway.

In my health regime, I avoid all elitists. They’re icky, no matter how much catsup or melted cheese you put on them.


August 6, 2010

Indeed…healthy elitists will never be my friends…and it’s so sad that beautiful-looking food turns to shit! 😉


August 15, 2010

Silly David, you should always put whipped cream on elitists.

Hey, where’s Romi?

Moonbeam McQueen

August 7, 2010

I’m here! I’m here Moonbeam! Sometimes I just fall away from the blog when I’m entrenched in the book-writing thing…which will hopefully pay off in the long run, so bear with! 😉


August 15, 2010

>>With no hope of looking hot, I might consider being a chocolate bar, for no other reason than to take juicy bites of myself.<<

Who said you weren't hot? I'll smite 'em.

Sean Cummings

August 11, 2010

aww…too kind sean! 🙂 And I seriously wish my arm was a Snickers right now…mmm.


August 15, 2010

I would probably like to be some type of prop food in a sexy photo shoot. I know… I went too far with that one, right? 😉


August 27, 2010

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