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Dear New York City,
Thanks for letting me inside your pleasure center, for a fabulous four-day jaunt. Some crazy things happened, which as you know is the juiciest dinner for my readers. It’s like when pigs in a farm get that extra-special feed, the kind that makes them grow three times as large (probably because the grains are packed with steroids). That way the pigs can produce a lot more ham and bacon for the world’s enjoyment. I too want my blog to grow large like a piggy’s round bottom, to be devoured by my readers worldwide. So…if you’ll be so gracious New York, allow me to publish this romance letter that I wrote…
…I loved Giovanni or whatever his name was. He worked at the hotel and told us if we waited two hours to check in, he would offer up a corner room with a view of Central Park. I was so enthused that in exchange I offered to be his best friend forever. He accepted the terms with glee, but after that I never went back to find him. I hope he wasn’t too upset. Maybe he quit his job and is busily building a “Romi shrine”, hoping I will one day return. Or maybe he hates me for dangling the fake friendship. In that case, maybe he made a voodoo doll of me that he will stab. I don’t look forward to that.
I also loved my best friend (read: Internet BFF who I randomly decided to meet in a big scary city), and we christened our new affection with a tour of NBC studios. We quickly became the most awesome people on the tour, which wasn’t hard to do, since the rest of the people were old and boring. We soon went from being awesome to being scorned by the NBC Pages. This happened when we cheered in delight as they described Sinead O’Connor’s bad-ass desecration of the Pope, during a Saturday Night Live performance from many years ago. I think we are now banned from NBC studios (just like Sinead is banned for life, true story).
Feeling energized by our misbehaviour, we went out later that night, for five-dollar cokes with no alcohol (ahem). There we met some cool cats working for MTV. They claimed to be producers but were probably only interns. If they were interns then I really feel sorry for them, because the leader of their pack ended up buying us two whole rounds, without ever telling his friends. Then he skipped the bill, leaving his friends kind of drunkenly scratching their head. I loved that. I also loved that one of the dudes thought his cell phone was SO damn cool, that he proceeded to play with it all night long. Did I mention it was a flip phone from 2002? I don’t think he scored any ass that night. The evening ended without any sickly incident, and that is all I will say on the record.
What I loved about Day Two was going to FAO Schwarz and visiting the Muppet Workshop. I actually got to stick my hand up a sexy male muppet, which was as close to any action I would get on the entire trip. I will always remember it. I also loved a second day of lunch with my other awesome Internet bestest friend (who I also met for the first time in a scary big city), and from her I made ANOTHER new friend who works with her, which I assumed was assurance that he isn’t a serial killer. These new special friends were starting to pile up, right around the time I remembered I hadn’t given anyone at home my contact info…
The day turned into night and after a wonderful dinner in the East Village, my original bestie and I went to Webster Hall. Though renowned for youngsters and unsavoury clientele, there was a one-dollar cover charge that night, plus a very cool DJ set to play. And what I loved about that? Staying sober, watching the trashy individuals try to score with each other, and making fun of them at every turn. I talked for three straight hours and lost my voice. I loved that too, because the dudes seemed to like my raspy tone of talk.
The next day I met ANOTHER new Internet friend for the very first time (inside YOU, New York, you loveable scary city!). He I’d known for two years via email, and he was my second Internet BFF’s husband (another form of assurance that there wasn’t a serial killer in my midst). We all banded together and headed for Central Park. What I loved about that (aside from the beautiful day), was the delightful assortment of freaks:
-A couple making out, but not moving their faces at all (leading us to believe they were either the worst kissers on earth…or the best)
-This rollerblading lady who skated around like a pro, sat down on the bench for a rest, then exclaimed “Fuck yeah!“, when a big beefcake dude in a tank top walked by. I lost track of her after that, but I assume she hid behind a tree to pleasure herself
-Some three-year-old girl strutting around all arrogant, thinking she was hotter than me (umm, I don’t think so)
-A girl in a white face mask, but the mask didn’t have a face. She was moving around in a shaky fashion and some dudes were recording it all. I’m pretty sure it was a third installment of THE RING, and it freaked me the hell out. But I didn’t have any nightmares, and I loved that
After we strolled out of Central Park, I noticed a dirty Persian cat, sitting underneath a homeless man and woman’s shopping cart. I love cats, so I naturally exclaimed “Aww…poor homeless cat!” The homeless woman must’ve misheard what I said for “Eww, dirty homeless people!“, because she started to chase me down 6th Avenue. Then she said the following and I quote: “You think I’m homeless? I have a big house in Jersey! And who are you? Just some bitch on vacation with no money?!” The only thing I loved during this was that even though she was carrying a giant wooden stick, she opted NOT to beat me with it. Crisis averted.
The evening turned into an amazing boat cruise, which traveled past all the New York City landmarks. The stellar cruise was followed by a night on my new friend’s (read: NOT serial killer) rooftop, with a spectacular view plus oodles of ice cream and booze…what’s not to love? I am trying to remember if there were any freaks that night, but mostly it was Internet friends plus new friends turned into amazing friends…all turned into people that I now really love. People who made me feel like…whatever I already am, is actually more than enough. I haven’t felt that way in a long time, and it’s because of you, New York. You put all these freaks in one place just for me, and I was crazy enough to go meet them on a whim. So YAY for you, New York, you sexy bitch!
At the risk of sounding cheesy, which is the same as throwing piles of New York garbage on this so NOT cheesy blog, I’ll quickly switch topics to the last day in the city. We went to Brooklyn for brunch, and I loved this because I had two whole meals at once (because I ordered two, and I ordered two because I said so). I also got to almost step in a pile of dog shit (but I didn’t, and I loved that).
I did NOT love heading back to the airport to leave Manhattan behind. Nor did I love the brat sitting behind me on the plane, who kicked my seat as a professional sport.
But everything else? It all makes me want to sloppily make out with you, New York.
So pop in a breath-mint, won’t you? I’ll be back…
If you ever come to North Carolina you can meet ANOTHER internet friend. And I promise I’m not a serial killer.
But there’s no other reason to come to North Carolina. Although, some might say I’m enough of a reason (well, if I held a gun to their heads!).
Your trip sounds FANTABULOUS. I’m uber jealous. I want to go to New York!!!
You seem like reason enough for a visit! 😉
And can I say to you? Just go, just do it. I book the trip like ten days before, I just knew I had to, and it was, unparalleled, the best time of my life 🙂
I want to make out with you too, Romi. I mean, errr… New York. Best weekend ever. I had the bestest time.
Best weekend EVER!!! I love you so much Maren, I CAN’T WAIT for our next reunion!!! xoxo
Next trip Australia, yay! 😉 Though I live in Perth which isn’t exactly NY or even Sydney or Melbourne. The weather is great though…..
So. Did I mention I might be coming to Canada for Xmas? Muahahahaha.
I love how the possible trip to Canada is accompanied with evil laughter:-D Which part of Canada will you be possibly visiting?! 😉
I love how this post touches on so many sweet and sour minutiae. Pungent! NYC has always scared the crap out of me, but to hear you describe it makes it less so. I’m glad you had a good time. 🙂
I love how you say things like “sweet and sour minutiae” David, haha, you’re the best! 😀
New York is never scary when I’m around, let’s go sometime, we’ll have a blast 😉
Freaks and Uggos all melding together and presenting themselves as a life’s antidepressant disguised as a trip to NY city. I am pretty sure you surpassed your 60 quota but who was counting? Next stop … NEW HAVEN!! We have plenty of bums for you to taunt! I miss you tons Romi!
I miss you tons too Justin!! Can’t wait for the next trip and a jaunt through New Haven to all your favourite places.. 🙂
What a great trip to NYC. Can you please come to California so we can hang out like West Coast Internet BFFs? I’m pretty sure Disneyland is around here somewhere.
Love that you fondled a muppet.
When we meet Ms. Vodka (and we will), it will be the most badass time of our lives.. 🙂
There are times i think you write this just to taunt me.
Now is one of those times…but it shall pass….and i will once again be so happy you did what i dream of every day for the last 12 years.
Think of it as a taunt, or think of it as an inspiring nudge, and spend every minute getting closer to what you’ve dreamed about for 12 years and DO IT.. 😀
TELL me all the pages were Kenneth-esque!!!
And dude, the Muppet Workshop? I am so jealous of where your hands have been!!!
And I forgot to text you to tell you to visit the Museum of Sex!!! The museum itself is pretty cool, but the best part is the sign out front that requests visitors to not lick, grope, fondle, carress, make out with or otherwise molest the premises. There’s a picture of me somewhere licking the sign. I hope it’s still there, ’twere many moons ago. Either way, it’s an excuse to go back 😉
Glad you had such a rad time!!! 😀
The first thing we did was ask the pages where Kenneth was!! They seemed amused though I’m not sure how many times a day they hear that 😉
PS: I totally did not know about that museum! But I am already planning my next trip…time of my life 🙂
You post is a reminder why NY is one of my most favorite cities in the whole wide world. Sounds like an awesome trip, girlfriend. Maybe I can catch you on the next one there…or should you ever come to DC…now THAT’s a trip!
I feel like there are definitely some people to catch on my next trip out..would love to meet you Karla! 🙂
Sounds like you had a fabulous time! I am happy that you avoided being beaten by the homeless woman with a stick. That would have seriously detracted from your NYC experience.
hahaha…yes a beating courtesy of a homeless woman was not on my New York agenda 😉
How I love and miss New York City. You are a lucky gal for spending such a great amount of time there… I need to go back soon.
You MUST go back there soon and I must go back there soon and I WILL go back there soon…it is just too fantastic!! 🙂
[…] love affair with New York has been a vast and varied experience. From an enraged lady with a wooden stick chasing me along Fifth Avenue in 2010, to serial-killer types with no shoes on in Central Park in […]