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Controversy can be a good thing, but stirring the pot towards an audience that proves too delicate? It can be disastrous. So much stirring in fact, and suddenly you’re hated on a cyber-wide scale.
That’s what happened to Greg Sgammato. He wrote an article for the Johns Hopkins newsletter, an article about the following (for compelling excerpts, see here):
-The tragedy of fat girls being friends with hot chicks, which gains all these “hippos” easy access to frat parties
-The tragedy of fat girls showing skin, since this horrible display can damage the delicate frat-boy retina
-The tragedy of delicate frat boys being forced into getting drunk, as it’s their only medication against the retina-crushing “elephants” mentioned above
The editors of the newsletter mostly defended his writing, with the always handy mention of “satire”. That’s nice, but is it really enough to rescue this unfairly maligned genius?
So here I come, his female-knight-in-shining-thong, ready to save him with words (and also with my warm and snuggly bosom, should he find it extra-large enough).
The truth is, I was Greg Sgammato, and his heart-wrenching problem was mine in the early 2000’s…
…Our sorority was booming. None of us were incredibly hot, in fact some might say we were objectionable in appearance. But we belonged to a sorority, dammit. We had matching jackets, we had booze, and we only asked one thing of our party patrons:
-Be a treasure trove of sexy men. And be this sexy for free. All the time. Thanks.
In a startling act of defiance, rule-breakers popped up left and right. But how? The rules were pretty simple, as stated in our “Scavenge-for-Sausage” flyers: be shirtless, drench yourself in baby oil, have an eight-pack (because AS IF we would settle for a borderline fatty six-pack), and make sure your “junk outline” is visible through your jeans.
I mean it’s not rocket science.
Instead we were flooded with mediocre atrocities or worse. My nastiest memory? Some average-looking dude approached me at the vodka-and-vodka punch bowl. Not only was he wearing baggy jeans, but the jerk was even wearing a shirt! How was I supposed to judge his abs if they were blanketed in cotton? The worst part of course was when the words began to spill from his mouth. “Current events” this, “reading books for fun” that, it was a full blown conversation.
And I threw up in my mouth.
After that debacle, our guests were always judged before we ever let them in (uggos to the left, hotties de-shirted and oiled on the spot).
It was a great four years, but only because we were vigilant. So Greg Sgammato? Yes I feel your pain but the advice is simple: tighten up the damn security! And create narrow doorways so the “elephants” can’t squeeze in!
Again, it’s not rocket science.
Before I conclude, I will calmly look into Greg Sgammato’s (and any frat boy’s) future, with some solemn words of advice…
…When you enter the real world, like the office world as an example, there are no lingerie-themed parties. Sometimes women wear top-to-bottom suits. And in the winter? You might find that women wear sweaters SO big and bulky, that they don’t even betray the booby outline, let alone the silhouette of a nipple. And this goes on for a full eight hours a day! The craziest twist of all? Sometimes women get jobs based on qualifications, without even having to submit a sexy photo (I know dude, audacity much?). You know what all this means don’t you? “Elephants”, “bisons”, and “blimps”, infiltrating your world for forty hours a week.
Bonne chance, mon ami…bonne chance.
Bless your beautiful heart Romi for trying to defend the lost and forlorn. All those who forget that fantasy is, uh, NOT FUCKING REAL deserve every disappointment that life serves up daily, without ANY portion control.
When I have lunch in the college’s lovely dining hall, I am always encouraged by the way that like finds like and enjoy their mac & cheese together. It’s a big beautiful world of ugliness out there. Deeee Lish!
Oh my gosh I totally want to find a like to my like so we can share some mac ‘n cheese, or maybe some fries…I love “love” and comfort food, yay! 😉 Thanks David, as always 🙂
I really hope this article will be online for a loooong time and all his future employers google his ass and he will NEVER be able to find a job.
What are you talking about Maren? I love Greg Sgammato and he’s my idol. True story.
Now that is satire done right! You never cease to amaze Romi. It was as if you took off your glove and slapped Mr frat douche in the face, challenging him to a duel. You then proceeded to bend him over and insert your foot. Good job!
What is this satire thing Justin? I was just speaking my love of the man, he’s a visionary.
I heard on the radio today that it is a man’s obligation to help his friend out if said friend is so drunk he’s about to sleep with an uggo.
But I say to all the drunk guys’ friends out there- don’t the uggo’s deserve some sweet, quick, inebriated loving too? In fact, it’s probably all they’re going to get- so throw them a freakin’ bone. And then you can make fun of your friends for waking up with the she-wolf the next morning and having no memory of how he got there. See, win-win.
You’re being sarcastic, right? I hope so, because it turns out that ugly people have sex all the time. I might have just blown your mind, but it’s the truth. Uggos don’t necessarily need some over-inebriated party goer in order to get laid, but sometimes you want a drunk funk! Why bemoan anyone that right? People can have sex with whichever consenting partner they want, whenever they want, regardless of inebriation level. Don’t encourage ridicule over someone’s sexual partner, you may be a she-wolf yourself in someone’s eyes.
Yes I was being sarcastic. I don’t exactly have guys lining around the block to sleep with me, so the “friends don’t let friends sleep with ugly girls” just pissed me off. And this Greg Sgammato reminded me of it.
Thanks for visiting JC, and yes, my Rach was being sarcastic! 😉
These youngsters. No idea of real life. I love to tease my students with ‘Oh, what I wouldn’t give to see a pic of you in 10-15 with your partner.’ They all seem to think they are going to end up with mega-hotness. Besides the fact that they themselves are no oil paintings, nor, to pinch your phrase, rocket scientists.
Hahahaha. I love you Grumpy. Mega hotness is certainly fleeting, and certainly subjective enough to leave some folk with a MAJOR superiority complex 😉
THIS is why you are affectionately known to me as Rom-Com 🙂
Rom-com! Haha, thanks Burg, that is my favourite nickname to date )
So many great lines in here Romilatta:
“make sure your “junk outline” is visible through your jeans.”
You’re a brave woman with your snuggly bust defending this guy, but I would expect nothing less Romi – you’re a champion of the people.
I take after you VGB (or try to), you’ve saved so many men with your shiny hair and seductive ways.
I heart you! That’s it. No time gotta watch Glee. 🙂
I love you too plum cake! always! 🙂
Clever defense Romi–and how did I miss this story?
Maren’s comment is dead-on–the Internet will not be forgiving in a few years when his resume/CV is on a hiring person’s desk.
I don’t know slamdunk, I missed the story too but Maren sent it to me! Just in time for me to save him, hopefully 😉
Awesome! Wish I was in your sorority…
You are always welcome in my sorority Care! We can de-shirt and oil up the hottie men together 😉
Finally!!!! I’ve been trying to read this for approximately ever, you know my whole technology issues. Anyhooters.
As usual, fabulous. And I totally get not wanting the ‘normies’ or God forbid even ‘uggies’ crashing your sexy party. I mean you only get so many years of sexy parties before, yeah, office sweaters and stuff.
However! Sgammato up there (and sorry, but that’s a fat-sounding name) might be underestimating the potential sexiness of these ‘hippos’! Fugly is one thing, but fattie is another – I can name at least one male who will give his honest opinion that thunder thighs and muffin top are the hottest thing ever. So even if this dude does prefer the skinnies, he may be doing a disservice to his fellow brethren by denying them their preference of hot, hot hippo!
Food for thought 😉
I don’t know Em, I’ve never heard a writer sound so correct and so passionate about an issue, and surely the anti-hippo sentiments of one male are the voice of a whole male race…surely 😉