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Join me for a personal shout-out, to the inventors of disgusting flowered essence.
To be honest, I abhor the smell of flowered perfume, but to the grannies of our time who chase the scent like it’s a club-pack size of Depends on sale for $9.99, flowery perfume is a gift!
If flowery perfume had never happened, what would grannies do? Older ladies crave the lavender/rosy essence, it’s in the genetic code (a complicated code that stays dormant ‘till the grannies’ loss of teeth or will to live, or both.)
More importantly, what would I do? Because I’m pretty sure I want to live to the age of “granny”, when my deeds are remembered as epic, and when my younger self watches over the city square as a bronzed fountain. So what would “granny-Romi” do if “eau de fleur” was discontinued?
I’d hit the source is what I’d do, the way a heroin addict hops on a plane to Colombia.
In my case I’d go outside and find the nearest public garden. I would rip a row of aromatic flora from their roots and start to rub. I’d rub those flowers over my neck and when that wasn’t enough, I’d expose my granny collarbone and rub some more.
Okay I have to stop there.
I hope you have seen my point or maybe I have blinded you with it. The point is that convenient little bottles of flowered poison are what keep the world’s grannies in check. In fact grannies should stay behind closed doors as a general rule. That’s not me making an asshole statement, that’s society who stuffs the elderly in their own special compounds, where they’re not allowed to interact with the young and fabulous. An entire building of old-people smell, and teenage volunteers who need “x” amount of bed-pan-changing hours to graduate.
Sorry for the truth bomb, society, but that’s what we do.
So if society has already determined that the elderly should be contained, the disappearance of flowered perfume would interfere with the lockdown! It would be like a modified scene from a zombie movie; escaped, confused, slow-moving grannies with tilted heads, sniffing around for gardens or flower-shops, desperate to rub their collarbones with unsuspecting petals.
Nobody needs to see that. Like ever.
So sure, scrunch your noise at the nearest granny’s nasty flowered essence, but remember ladies, one day that will be us, and dammit we will need the supply.
So thank you, flowered perfume factory, keep the quota nicely humming…
(PS to all the men: disgusting flowered perfume doesn’t help you in any way so I have no consolation. But hey, sometimes the woman’s needs matter more so just be quiet and learn how to deal.)
Ow, that truth bomb really stinks girl friend. I hate the floral stink too, except when it’s coming from actual flowers. So I would help you with flower rubbing on the collarbone. Personally, I want my old grannies to smell like either baking cookies or chicken soup. Or patchouli. I totally love patchouli. It smells different on everyone who wears it I swear.
But anyway, if it weren’t for the magnolia essences, we old people would just smell like urine and b.o. You’ll see. It ain’t pretty. You young people need to realize that there’s no reason to expect the entire earth to smell like a bar of Irish Spring.
Nnnn K? 🙂
Guess what David?! I may have found a breakthrough of natural vanilla and fig hand cream. I only sampled it and wrote it off when I couldn’t smell anything. BUT THEN five minutes later it was an O-M-G moment…a wondrous scent!
I shall say no more lest I get scooped.
….but I love Irish Spring!! 😉
I knew you weren’t a drug addict! Everyone knows you have to go to Afghanistan for heroin since that’s where they grow the poppies! Either there or Vancouver. Colombia and/or Miami is where you head for cocaine. (If those things float your boat.) 😀
Okay you just totally ruined my rep of trying to seem really bad-ass…dammmmmmn you.
OK, so when the UPS delivery guy gets to your place, just tell him very adamantly, NO THANK YOU!
I thought I’d send your X-mas present a little early, but based on this post, I’m not so sure you’re gonna like it.
VGB, you sent me a granny’s collarbone as a Xmas present?
I had an aunt that you knew was coming from three blocks away. Seriously. She pulled up at my mom’s house, and I was across the street in the backyard and smelled her.
Sharla, your aunt could never get into a world of crime and thievery, absolutely no “sneak attack” skills with that scent 😉
Elderly folks rubbing collarbones on flowers–now that is quite an image.
Maybe I should make a video of that…grannies gone wild or some such.
I think we’re going to have to agree to disagree on this one. If I had the power to eradicate eau de Granny, I would have done it as soon as I started my prior job, where one of the partners (age 72)insisted on wearing something she must have been stockpiling for years because there’s no way any retailer can make money off it these days…which was only slightly less obnoxious than the odor of cigarette stenching she was using the perfume to cover.
I’m with David…go for scent o’chocolate chip cookies instead.
[…] Join me for a personal shout-out, to the inventors of disgusting flowered essence. To be honest, I abhor the smell of flowered perfume, but to the grannies of our time who chase the scent like it’s a club-pack size of Depends on sale for $9.99, flowery perfume is a gift! If flowery perfume had ne … Read More […]