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I’m a cuddler.
But I’m also an expert at being single. By the way, take any negative-sounding term (single, lazy, cross-eyed) and preface it with “expert”. Your confidence will soar.
So confession time: being alone but needing something “graspable” for sleep has been a sad contradiction in my life. In my teenage years, with not a single boy sampling “milkshakes” in my “yard”, what was I to do? I tried my best to cuddle with my standard pillow, but it wasn’t the same as a man (unless it was a replica of a “little person” or wood nymph).
Then a few years back, a revolution was born.
It was a pillow that could span from my head to my toe, and a pillow that was available…EVERYWHERE!
Talk about a breakthrough for desperate singles.
For years before the body pillow, lonely hearts had to slip into sex shops under cover of night, searching for the one blow-up doll that would give the song “Two Become One”some personal meaning (and I don’t care what anyone says, but “Two Become One” is the best Spice Girls song and “Say You’ll Be There” can suck it.)
More recently things became discrete and as close to real as possible, but at what cost?
It was the “Real Doll”, and from the comfort of your home you could order it online (a dirty little Fed-Ex delivery secret). The Real Doll boasted the traits of being pliable yet sturdy, with the ability to warm you like an oven (or plug you like a cork in a wine bottle, depending on which gender of “Real Doll” we’re discussing). But at a price tag of thousands of dollars? Hardly a solution for us common folk.
So with blow-up dolls and Real Dolls as unlikely fixes to the single person’s problem, the hope for having manufactured love was slipping away.
Then came these precious “body pillows”, which made love-simulation worth having again!
You can buy your body pillow at a totally non-judging place like Ikea. If you’re still a little nervous grab a kitchen tool as well, it’ll legitimize your purchase in a flash (just remember that a spatula to some is considered slutty, so stick with something safe like a melon baller).
Don’t rush out of the store or you’ll get “made”. Instead you should savour a one-dollar Ikea breakfast like the rest of ‘em, and trust me you’ll blend right in.
Once your body pillow’s safely at home let the fun begin! Customization options are as broad as your imagination, but if you’re looking for a useful starting point, just remember two important tips:
1: The Internet is jammed with lovely pictures of your Hollywood crushes
2: Photo-quality printing paper is reasonably priced
I will say no more.
So even if you’re destined to be alone, just remember how much worse your dateless predecessors had it. The world is your playground, and a snuggly simulated lover is just a g-rated shopping trip away!
Thing is, I love me my body pillows! I have two of them. One for each side. Or something.
“… replica of a “little person” or wood nymph” LOL!!
I have an extra pillow that I use for reading in bed,but I often “grasp” it as well. I hope this doesn’t mean I’m some kind of poofy wanker or something. Most of the time it’s leaning up against the bed in case it’s needed during my slumbers. If I was going to put someone’s face on it, it would probably be either Flo, the Progressive Insurance lady, Diane Lane, or maybe one of those sad looking ladies from the welbutrin commercial. I feel so bad for them.
Pillows? Hmm. I’ll have to keep a better eye on what single folks are buying around me.
“You can buy your body pillow at a totally non-judging place like Ikea.”
I laughed so hard at this. And then I got to the part about the spatula, and I thought, Damn, it’s like she’s reading my mind.
I can’t wait to get my sexy body-pillow. I deserve it.
Would it be possible to get a little explanation about the spatula? I don’t get it. Just askin’ …
Thank you Romi. You’ve just solved all my problems. I can now be an expert single just like you 🙂
This seemed sort of creepy but also sort of useful.
Frankly, I’m torn.
Damnn straigh, Romi: Two Become One really is the best Spice Girls song. 😉
Did I actually misspell two words in a row? Am I misspelling one again? Man… talk about bad typing.
Girl, where you at? I hope you are having fun and adventures and life is treating you well!
Wow… I WANT one. I will dress it in a tuxedo, and call it James Bond. I’ll bet James Bond is a good snuggler.
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