Confessions of a Chick in Paris

Confessions of a Chick in Paris

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Grateful Moment #12: No Alien Lovin’!

March 15, 2011 , , , , , , , ,

So what’s the deal with loneliness?

Most of the time I can justify the loneliness well, by calling myself an aloof writer gal. I drape myself in scarves, drink a lot of tea, and shut out the world in the name of making art.

But that’s bullshit and we all know it.

Having people all around you is the best! Not because I enjoy the company of others, but only because if I faint, or have a heart attack, or if a refrigerator topples onto me…PEOPLE are the tools that can assist!

And so, when you don’t have the tools, when you live without the presence of humans, it’s scary and it’s the worst. So let’s feel sorry for ourselves, agreed?

Maybe. Except…isn’t it better to be alone than in the company of extra terrestrials?

Hmm.

Let’s say it is a proven fact that aliens exist (well of course it is but I’m trying to be unbiased), and let’s say one night you are abducted in your sleep.

How bad could it possibly be?

Not so bad at first. You’re simply on a silver ship, with lots of strange lights and buttons and fancy screens. It’s almost a little bit…awesome.

But then you see the slimy big-eyed creatures. They speak to you in their crazy alien language. It’s still not as bad as being lonely and having a refrigerator fall on top of you, but we’re getting there.

Let’s say the aliens caress you, because those long slimy hands weren’t made for standing idly by. And then let’s say they put you in a medical room, hook you up to a bunch of machines…and put your ass to sleep.

It’s a nightmare-free and restful sleep, so it’s fine if you still think the lonely/”fridge fall” option is worse.

But then you open your eyes, and there are five “alien/you” hybrid babies slithering around.

These are your children now, and they are uglier than a bottom of a foot that’s been run over by a truck. Twice.

The next thing you know your alien husband or wife wants you to clean up all the hybrid baby slime, to play with the hybrid babies, and to bathe the hybrid babies once a day.

It’s all the annoying aspects of parenting without the natural lighting and freedom, but WITH the random testing on your body, as well as potential anal probes (if alien fables prove correct). Not to mention a very ugly slime-covered mate you’re supposed to “do it” with.

So if you’re all alone and that refrigerator topples onto your sad little self, just remember that you read this, and remember that you’re not on that ship. Two very good thoughts before you die of neglect at the hands of a major appliance…


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comments

I love the first line of the post. It reminds me of comedians like Jerry Seinfeld. “What’s the deal with airline food?” and that whole era of jokes.

Nate

March 15, 2011

I absolutely adore the Jerry Seinfeld era of comedy 😉

Romi

March 29, 2011

“…die of neglect at the hands of a major appliance…”

Either that means what I think it does–or my mind is like the “major appliance” I think it is!

Scott

March 16, 2011

it means a fridge; not sure what you were thinking!

Romi

March 29, 2011

At least you’re not eaten by Alsatians in this scenario… I’ve always thought being eaten by Alsatians would be an awful way to go.

leafprobably

March 22, 2011

Hi leaf, nice to see you! 🙂

And I concurr!!

Romi

March 29, 2011

Sometimes you scare me when you let your mind wander. But this is exactly why I keep my refrigerator (and ALL kitchen appliances) padlocked to the walls when I am home alone. 😉

teeni

March 24, 2011

padlocked appliances?! you are one very safe step ahead of me 😉

PS: HI!!!! I hope you’ve been well teeni 🙂

Romi

March 29, 2011

I guess much of my lonely single saturday nights were not deprived of this type of worst-case scenario. Hence, I understand the need to be a “people person” versus “alien-bitch-person”, haha!

theduffboy

March 25, 2011

I’ve been an alien-bitch-person for too long; time to relate to the other human folk! 😉

Romi

March 29, 2011

It’s taken me a very long time to ‘process’ this post, probably due to my supposed knowledge of the many profound themes at play in the RomiMind. 😉 (Note that this is the first time I’ve ever winked at you Moondi!)

I still don’t seem to be able to come up with a witty comment. But a couple of questions arise, neither of which you need to answer.

Have you actually seen a foot bottom that’s been run over twice by a truck? I think that alien/Romi babies would likely be cuter as hell, if not a little gray and slimy.

Isn’t a spaceship sort of a ‘major appliance’?

David

April 1, 2011

David, I have seen many foot-bottoms that have been run over twice by a truck, I assure you 😉

(I just winked at you too!!! 😀 , but I’m kind of a wink-whore so it’s rarely special, I wink all the time to anyone 😉 )

Romi

April 24, 2011

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