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You can scroll the shelf using ← and → keys
I love that I can dust off my blog like an unused lady part and spring it into action on a whim.
This is a one-time only affair, as being a weekly blogger isn’t realistic right now. I’m quite sure you’ll cope, as I’m not even sure who reads this blog anymore??? I mean there are lurkers of course (some of whom quietly go back and read all the archives…who are you?! And thank you!), but the blogging landscape feels a little unnatural at the moment…instead it’s been about the downloads and fancy e-devices.
Which brings me to part one.
I’ll begin with the hilarious. Not as in “I, Romi, am hilarious and let me count the ways,” but as in me, staring at something, pointing at it, and laughing. Right now I’m laughing at “The Book of Awful,” which almost five months into release still somehow sells! It was preposterous to me that more than thirty people in total would ever buy my book (i.e. my friends; hell ya I have thirty friends! Are you jealous?), but now, as I eclipse five hundred sales (which granted is still tiny in the grand scheme of things)…I friggin’ laugh at it. I can’t imagine any one human cozying up with their Kindle or iPad to read my book, but those actual humans exist…somewhere.
Those human readers make me glad I never changed my style of writing to follow the mainstream rules. Just today I was looking at my (rare, will tumble by tomorrow) #3 ranking on Amazon’s Parody Top 100, to find that once again the Zombie parodies elude me at #1 and #2. But that was fine with me. I mean I never even thought that being such a wayward and awkward and strange and demented writer would help me crack a top 10 of anything…but it did, and I never had to write about zombies to get there!
And that’s the evil part of me. What I mean is…at least fifty percent of my inspiration for what I write is…cold, wayward and borderline evil.
But the other half of the time…I’m good.
Like that screenplay I wrote a few months ago.
There is nothing mean or demented or wayward in that script I wrote; it’s a star-crossed love story of doom (not exactly the ideal tagline but it’s the truth!). There’s some humor in the dialogue, but it’s humor with heart, followed by romantic doom. I’m not sure what kind of sick progression it is to follow something as twisted as “The Book of Awful” with a love story of all things, but that was simply the chronology of my brain/heart/soul. The strangest thing after that…was that the script didn’t totally suck. I read all the warnings in the “how to write a screenplay” books, the “your first twenty screenplays will be terrible and embarrassing” prophecies of doom (so much doom!). Even so, I allowed myself to face the scrutiny of judges in screenwriting contests…and I didn’t completely suck! I advanced in a few contests, and will hear back from a few more right up until December.
To be honest, it doesn’t really matter what happens after what has already…happened; nothing will beat the tears of satisfaction, upon discovering that someone outside of my friend group read my screenplay and didn’t think it sucked. Maybe one day I’ll get an expert story doctor to help me fix it up and submit it to “the biz.” Or maybe not. But the personal satisfaction of facing the scary “your screenplay will probably suck” odds and coming out alive was worth it.
So yeah…for most of the summer I was good and had a heart, but then I turned all evil again, when I had my next book idea.
If you follow me on Twitter you’ll notice I change the book’s title almost once a week, but right now my work-in-progress is called: “NOT Love Poems For Real Life.”
I can’t remember the exact moment when I came up with this wayward idea, but let it be known that I find good poetry to be remarkable, it’s a literary gift.
But then I get all evil again, when I think about the gap in the poetry market. You’ll understand it too, when you consider the greatest love poets in history; these poets have taken us through the zenith of being in love as well as the agony of losing it all. But what exactly happens in-between the two? I’m pretty sure at least fifty percent of life is the search for love before you ever find it, with the percentage ever-growing as the failures pile up. How many frogs do you have to kiss before you get a prince? A shit-ton! So where the eff is all the “frog poetry”?
Ahem…that’s where I come in.
See? Why is my brain like this? The human race has done just fine up ’till now without a collection of love mishaps/frog poetry, but noooo, I just HAVE to come along and screw up all the harmony with my concept.
Once I finish this collection and release it in the end of September, there is a very good chance it’ll bomb and readers will hate it.
But of course I must do it anyway.
It’s like “The Book of Awful.” That book is friggin’ weird and it seems that readers either love it or hate it. In fact, I think one reviewer actually called me a horrific excuse for a writer (I’m paraphrasing). But that’s art, bitches. It’s better to have a polarizing reaction of love/hate, versus a bunch of people who think you’re “pretty good” or “just okay” because you never rocked the boat. So that’s my advice to all the children out there (good lord, I hope no child ever reads this blog). You may spend your whole life being labeled as weird or “unpalatable” as an artist, but you can never lie about what inspires you. Look at my beloved Van Gogh, who sold maybe only three of his two thousand works before he died? His spirit now lives on as the pimp daddy of art, and I’m pretty sure my heart almost exploded with joy when I saw the real “Starry Night” in New York this past winter. Epic.
Where was I going with any of that? I don’t know, see, I’m rusty at this blogging thing! All I know is I’m having way too much fun writing humorous poetry about not-so-romantic mishaps, so it will be published by the end of September. God help me.
Back to me climbing the mountain from evil to goodness. Last week I re-wrote and published two collections of my memoirs from India, which started out as posts from this very blog! See, this is why I will forever pay homage to my blog relic and return to it whenever I can. The blog was the start of all my grown-up writing exploits. Praise WordPress and my early blogging friends. Back to the memoirs: because they originated in some form on my blog, my memoirs are totally free, everywhere except Amazon (I’m working on that so DON’T pay for it on Amazon, it will be free eventually!). I guess I figured why should these memoirs die on the blog, when I can give them a second life with thousands of free downloads? Hooray for reincarnation! The Hindus had it right.
Speaking of blogs and having a heart (this post refuses to end!), the cherry on top of my quest to have a heart is my full-length novel “Year of the Chick.” That too needs dusting off like an unused lady part, as it’s been hiding in my hard drive untouched for a year and a half. It’s incredible that a whole novel started out as a blog, and in honour of that I’ll be re-writing some old “Year of the Chick” posts and releasing a free version of “Year of the Chick Diaries” in mid-October, a week before the e-book release. Print version to follow in late November…yes, print!
As for being good or evil, all I can say is that my soul is in the hands of two Chinese men playing badminton. Please, let me explain. One of the short-shorts-knee-high-socks -wearing Chinese badminton enthusiasts is all dressed in black, the other in white. They represent good and evil, and they forever whip the shuttlecock that is me (what?) from one side to the next, never letting me settle on a good or evil writer’s path.
But maybe I don’t want to ever settle on a single style. Maybe I will always be evil on some days, then sweet and precious on Wednesdays (or Sundays). Maybe that’s what being “Romi” is.
Now’s a good time to stop abusing readers with my longest post ever. Oh, and here’s one free poem from my upcoming book that will likely disturb the masses. This poem is basically about every morning on the train, when the quest for a hottie seatmate almost always falls short.
I gazed out the window,
Another blue sky.
Would I meet him today,
My precious dream guy?
On a train straight for work,
It didn’t seem likely.
So I sighed once again,
And closed my eyes tightly.
I dreamed of sweet man slaves,
Shirtless and ripped.
Should I leave them a tip?
But the dream had to end,
So I opened my eyes.
And inches away,
Was a nasty surprise.
A big hairy rube.
He looked horny and sweaty,
As he ogled my boobs.
Learned a lesson that day,
Far beyond love and riches.
If you’re sleeping on trains,
Button up your shirts, bitches.
Awkward Memoirs From Little India (free): available now
Awkward Memoirs From Actual India (free): available now
NOT Love Poems For Real Life: coming soon, late Sept
Year of the Chick Diaries (free): coming soon, mid Oct
Year of the Chick, a novel: coming soon, late Oct (print version in late Nov)
Happy Autumn, dear readers.
Romi, I’ve missed your blogging! I’m glad you’re (semi) back!
And I will definitely be purchasing the print version of Year of the Chick- it was really good, funny and heartfelt, the perfect underdog romance story.
And when I can sneak my mother’s kindle away from her I will download Awkward Memories and Not Love Poems.
OMG Rachel…time flies..yes you read it and left such thoughtful reviews and that really helped me make it to the end! 🙂 Thank you many times over, and I hope you enjoy the free stuff once you get your hands on her kindle 😉
Hmmm…I rather like the idea of frog poetry…life (and love) is dirty, messy and full of random surprises, some of which don’t turn out so well. There’s a reason The Circus Animals’ Desertion is my favorite. It is far more honest then most. Looking forward to your work!
Hi affirmthis! I’m glad you’re onside with the frog poetry concept, and I hope it offers society the realism which is sometimes missing in art, haha 😉
You’ve been a busy little beaver, or a dusty lady part, or um, you know, you’ve had a lot on your plate. The Rominator strikes again. 😛
Great poem. 🙂
HAHA…I didn’t even make the connection with my hat and the first line of this post…until now 😉 I was just trying to find a pic that set the sometimes-silly tone of this post!
I, like most of the 7 billion on this ball of dirt, don’t have a Kindle, and won’t be buying one anytime soon. Is it still possible to read your Book of Awful? A Kindle-less world out there awaits.
Funny I never thought of it as a world of enough people who would ever want to read my book, print version or otherwise…I’d consider the print version now if I ever had the time! 😦 Well one thing at a time: if you don’t have a Kindle and you google “Kindle for PC” or “Kindle for Mac” you can download a nice free program for your computer that allows you to read any ebook; it downloads in a about one minute! 🙂 That works for Amazon US/UK/DE!
That’s good to know – I’ll try it!
BTW – I put in a plug for you at the wp.com off-topic forums, because the subject of blogging/publishing came up and thought of your post here.
Thanks for directing my eye to that forum thread! I had a chance to reply and hopefully provided some helpful info for those who are figuring things out 🙂
ha ha, this is good stuff, will be back for some more
thank you! There is more now 😉
It’s true…I have been lurking. So many things I want to say but they are all smooshing into one. So…chilporipyurittydfalkijured. Never said the letters would be congruent.
Anyway, you rock.
Will, those not congruent letters are the nicest things anyone’s ever said about me!! Thanks!! 😉
“But of course I must do it anyway.”
That’s why we ♥ you Romi!
Good, I’m gonna need that love now that the controversial poems are released! 😉
Congrats, Romi! Keep chipping away at The Book of Awesome’s market share! You’re an inspiration to me!
Hahaha, it’s a slow road, that’s why I figure I have to keep writing! 😉